God help Brittany Pierce
by roweday95
Summary: AU. Brittany Pierce was a the Goddess of the Triangle. She worked at the hottest club in town yet she was harbouring a deep guilt that was slowly crushing her from the inside. Could a fiery Latina bring her out of the depths of despair or would Brittany slowly destroy her too?
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings: Drug usage**

**Enjoy ;)**

Quinn Fabray was late. She was late for a very important date. She snorted to herself at her own joke as she rushed around her apartment trying to find her flats. She started her new job at The Triangle tonight, a really cool club on the lower east side. She heard only good things and was lucky that she managed to get the job at all.

"Hey Quinn, these the ones you looking for?" Her flatmate, Santana Lopez, who she knew from High School back in Lima, Ohio, held up the very pair she was searching for. She grabbed them, kissed Santana on the cheek and promised to text when she was coming home. With that she rushed out and jumped on the subway, ready to start.

She and Santana had come to New York when they graduated. Wanting to get out of that shitty town as soon as possible, they decided to both apply to NYU. She studied psychology whilst Santana went down the musical route. Of course, they both decided to live together, their parents helping them out with the finances. She decided to get a job to help out with some of the bills and here she was, on the way to this ground breaking club that had opened around two years ago and just got more popular as the years went by. One of the features of this club was how great the staff was, so she hoped her colleagues would be welcoming to her.

* * *

"Come on Mercedes, come on, come on, come on, please!" Brittany Pierce begged her friend. She clasped her hands together and pouted as best she could as she looked at her colleague next to her. She was the bartender of the Basement, one of the levels of The Triangle, the anything goes room, some would call it.

"Haha no need to beg Britt, he's all yours!" The crowd surrounding the two girls cheered along with Brittany. She fist pumped the air and grabbed a vodka bottle off the side. She looked at the crowd who was chanting and hollering. She grinned and started to pour vodka all over the boy currently lying topless over the bar.

"Bitches and Gentlemen! It's showtime!"

Brittany bent down, her blonde hair tickling over the boy's very defined muscles, she stuck her tongue out and slurped all over his torso. Trying to get every last drop into her mouth. She sat back as the crowd went wild around her. Mercedes pulled the boy up and kissed him hard on the mouth.

"Give it up for Sam Evans! Shots only 50 cents for the next 5 minutes!" Brittany screamed out as she, Sam and Mercedes hopped down and starting pouring shots out. People were clambering over each other to get to the bar, just another night in the basement.

Brittany hopped back onto the bar, the leather shorts, which could also pass for underwear, riding up, showing the swell of her ass cheeks. Her abs exposed, defined and rippling from years of exercise and dedication. Breasts pushed up and in with her long blonde hair flowing down. Her long legs finished off the look. She was a goddess down here, sexy and gorgeous; she was the pinnacle of The Triangle.

She hopped back up onto the bar and dragged Mercedes and Sam with her. She raised the vodka bottle and poured it over the crowd, it splashed around the patrons faces, they didn't care if her aim was a little off; they lapped this performance right up. She swigged from the bottle and then poured vodka down the throats of her two friends either side of her.

She basked in the cheering that came from the crowd and turned the performance up another notch; she grabbed Sam by the shoulders and stuck her tongue down his throat. He was more than used to his friend's antics and decided to play up to the people watching, kissing her back just as hard. Brittany then turned and grabbed Mercedes, doing the exact same thing to her. She ran her hands down to her ass and squeezed.

Brittany Pierce knew exactly what to do to get this crowd coming back for more. She came up for air and the three bartenders laughed and took more drink orders.

"Hey Britt, that hot ginger is making eyes at you again. You gonna do something about it this time?" Mercedes pointed out the girl, who was standing a little way down the bar, staring at Brittany. Brittany looked back and winked right at her, causing the girl's face to redden, matching her hair colour.

"Oh yeah, she's in for the time of her life" Brittany danced down the bar, coming to a stop as she faced the ginger girl.

"Hey red," Brittany winked at the girl "you look like a fruity drink kinda girl, I've got just the ticket" Brittany turned and spun bottles in her hand as she made the girl a drink. She added an umbrella and slid it over to the girl.

"Thanks, I'm Abigail, what's the drink?" Red took the drink and slipped the straw in her mouth, never taking her eyes off the Blonde.

Brittany smirked, "It's called a Brazilian, ever had one?" Brittany winked again as the girl choked slightly. She laughed and threw a dazzling smile to the bartender.

"Keep going the way you're going and you'll find out soon enough"

Brittany was in. She knew it. Red knew it. Hell Mercedes's knew it ten minutes ago. Brittany knocked yet another shot back.

"Hey Red, say, d'you wanna be part of my next performance? I'd like to get acquainted with your girls and I just get off on being watched" Brittany held her hand out as Abigail agreed with a sly smile and downed her drink. The red head knew what kind of performance the bartender called Brittany was talking about, she'd been here enough times to know.

She grabbed Brittany's hand and climbed up onto the bar. Brittany held her hand and walked her down to the centre, she was a gentleman that way.

Brittany laid Abigail down on the bar as Mercedes and Sam grabbed two different types of spirits each. Brittany grabbed her hair and tied it up as the crowd rushed around, forgetting the music, they could dance in one of the other rooms, there was only one reason you came down to the basement, and that was for a real freaky time.

"Now for my next act" Brittany began, with a faux showman's voice "my lovely assistant Red will magically lose her top!" Brittany whooped as she pulled Abigail's vest top over her head, she wasn't wearing a bra and her boobs jiggled. The crowd screamed right along with Brittany as Sam and Mercedes poured a concoction of Tequila, Vodka, Malibu and Sambuca over the girl, making sure to cover her chest.

Brittany grinned at the girl, to make sure she was ok with this, who winked back. No time like the present Brittany thought as she leaned down and sucked one nipple into her mouth. She ran her tongue all along the girl's chest and went to town on the other nipple. She could hardly hear the roar of the crowd as she focused on getting all the drink off.

She popped the nipple back out and smiled at the way everybody seemed enraptured with her performance. She sat back up and smiled down at Abigail, winking to let her know she did a good job.

"Hey Britt, you are killing it today girl. Bringing that green in" Brittany looked over to the man that had just joined them. Noah Puckerman, or Puck to almost everyone, her boss and best friend. He owned this club with his friend Finn Hudson. The three of them knew each other from high school in this very city, New York.

Puck had lucked out when he was left money by his grandmother when he turned 18. He joined forces with Finn when they were all 21 and decided to buy this warehouse like building. He converted it into a club with three floors, taking ideas from various clubs in Europe to make the only real club that catered to everyone. He decided to build a room for each crowd, with the top level a more fancy establishment for the older crowd who wanted to drink in a relaxed atmosphere. The main floor was a general club with different nights geared towards different crowds. This included student nights, where the drinks were cheap, raves, foam parties, glitter canons, cheese nights and the odd mature night every month.

Brittany thought this last one was just an excuse for Puck to get his fix for cougars and milfs.

The last room, and the one that Brittany most enjoyed working in was the basement. Down here, the weird and wonderful converged. From drag queens, to leather freaks and the curious to people who just wanted a good time. Brittany loved pushing the boundaries and people loved her doing it. In this room, she could be anyone. She didn't have a past or problems. Nobody hated her down here.

She looked back at her friend, who's eyes were zeroed in on Abigail's chest. She rested her hands on the body in front of her, feeling the muscles tense and contract under her.

"You know it Puckerman, I was just about to take my break in a sec." Puckerman scoffed, knowing exactly why she was going to take a break. He was looking at the reason right now.

"Excuse me, are you Noah Puckerman?" Noah and Brittany looked up, the latter absentmindedly stroking the ginger hair of her companion. A girl with fascinating green-hazel eyes and a short bob looked back at the pair. She was stunning, radiating beauty. She looked pure and her voice was almost regal.

Noah grinned and took the girl's hand, kissing the back of it. "Why yes I am, how can I help you tonight?"

The girl grimaced slightly but continued on "I'm Quinn Fabray, I'm meant to start working here tonight. A boy upstairs, I think his name was Mike, told me you were down here."

"Oh yes Quinn! You'll actually be working up the top room, beautiful views and the pace is much more relaxed than the other two rooms. It's just this way" Puck winked at Brittany and led Quinn away, up the staff staircase. Figures, Brittany thought, that a girl like Quinn Fabray would be working that room, with Rachel and Kurt. Good luck with that.

Jesus Christ.

She looked back at the girl who was still lying topless on the bar, like a puppy waiting for the next command. Brittany smiled at the girl and lifted her up, she winked at Mercedes and let her know she was taking a break. Mercedes just smiled and shook her head softly, knowing exactly what kind of breaks Brittany took.

Brittany led the girl to the back room, grabbing two shot glasses and two bottles along the way, the room reserved for the bartenders of the basement. She threw the girl's top over the other side and led Abigail to the couch. She went to her bag and got out the little pick me up.

"Red, you've been wonderful tonight, I'd love to reward you. Before that, I wonder if you want to play a little game first." She lifted the baggie in the air, shaking it a little. Abigail smiled and nodded her head.

Brittany walked over and set up the game she had in mind. She poured a line each and set up a cocaine liquid shot next to each line. She handed the girl a rolled twenty dollar bill and rolled her own bill.

Brittany smirked at Abigail as they both leaned down. "I'll race you to the end Red, on three" Brittany counted down and the two girls snorted their lines as fast as possible, slamming down the shot at the end.

"Wooh winner, winner, chicken dinner! I can't feel my face! How you old up Abs?" Brittany grinned as she looked at her companion who was laughing along with her.

"Great, would you like to collect your reward now?" Abigail whispered seductively as she pulled her hot pants and thong off in one go.

Brittany's eyes widened as she grabbed the last of the baggie and crawled over to the sofa. She grinned up lecherously at the girl and grabbed her ankles, pulling her nearer and settling between the outspread limbs. She poured the rest of the cocaine along the girls naval and put her nose to the start. She quickly snorted along as the girl moaned beneath her.

She looked at the glistening core in front of her and wasted no more time. Going to town with her tongue and fingers, using her god given gift to make Abigail scream her name in record time.

* * *

The morning light blinded Brittany as she, Finn, Puck and Tina, a girl who works in the main room, exited the club and headed to the diner they usually frequented after working. It was six in the morning and Brittany had slowly been crashing ever since her drug fuelled sex party that she and Abigail had earlier on in the night. She took Abigail's number and promptly 'lost' it. She had fun, but she wasn't about to marry the girl for fucks sake.

They entered the diner laughing and joking and greeted Joe, who was used to the four guests that had been coming here for the past two years.

"So Puck, Tina, that Quinn chick. Seems like a nice girl, know anything about her?" Finn asked, his mouth full of egg. Brittany frowned and wiped her shoulder of the food that had been ungraciously spat on her.

Puck shrugged, the only thing he gathered from the girl was that she was 21 and wanted some extra money. Tina finished her mouthful before explaining that Quinn went to NYU and lived near the club with another girl, her best friend who she was going to be bringing to Puck's party tonight as the club was closed for the night. Puck had paid for the whole place to be cleaned.

"What's up with you Britt?" Puck looked at his friend, who's eyes were half closed. She was hardly eating and didn't seem to be listening to the conversation going on around her.

"There's just so many words" Brittany whispered as she hovered her hands around her head. Puck and Tina rolled their eyes at their friend, knowing that she must be crashing. They knew what she did to get through these nights, but sometimes she would crash really hard and they wished she would take it easy on her body.

They paid when everyone had finished eating and left, Tina leaving to go back to her apartment a few blocks away as Brittany held onto Finn and Puck as they trudged back to their apartment. Another successful night all round, Brittany thought as she grinned to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows!**

**Warning: Drug use and sex**

**;)**

Santana turned the coffee machine on as she checked her phone. She went back over the texts that Quinn had sent her last night. She made sure that Quinn texted her when she got there, when she was on a break and on the way home. She wanted to double check that Quinn was safe at all times. This girl was basically her sister after her family took Quinn in back in high school. Her own family didn't give a shit about her and the Lopez's were all she had. So she'd be damned if anything happened to that girl now.

Speaking on the Fabray devil, Quinn walked into the kitchen and poured out two mugs of coffee, handing one to Santana with a kiss on her cheek. She sat down at the table and put her head in her hands.

"You look like shit. How was it? Were they nice to you? Or do I have to go kick some ass?" Santana so eloquently put. She came and sat down opposite the girl and waited for a response.

Quinn looked up at the Latina and smile softly at her protective tone. "It was fine San, great even. The people were nice; the boss was a little flirty but quite charming. The tips were great as well. I work in one of the calmer rooms so it's not that bad. The two people I work with are quite…in your face but nothing I can't handle"

Santana nodded, glad that Quinn seemed to enjoy herself.

"Oh, you should've seen the basement room. Holy lord, it was crazy. This bartender got a girl up on the bar and poured her naked chest with alcohol. Then, sucked it all off, like, everywhere." Quinn's arms were going haywire, trying to convey how crazy the scene was,

"Wow Q, it must've been wild if you're using blasphemy like that. Lord save your soul." Santana chuckled as she crossed her heart. "Seriously though, that does sound kind of wild, maybe I should come check it out." She wiggled her eyebrows as Quinn raised her eyebrows pointedly.

"As long as I don't have to look after your drunken ass again. I mean San; I just can't carry you home with pee running down your leg again. Have some self-respect. Also, there's a party at my boss' house tonight, all the staff are coming, and he seemed really keen for me to come, so I said you'll be there too." Quinn rushed out the last part as she ran out of the room to get ready.

Santana raced after her "We said we would never mention that again Lucy Q! And thanks for volunteering me bitch; you don't even know if I have any plans!"

"Do you?" Quinn yelled back

"…Well no. But you didn't know that!" Santana stopped as Quinn's door slammed in her face; all she heard was cackling and smiled to herself, before hopping in the shower and getting ready for class.

* * *

Brittany groaned as she rolled over, she was on a bed. Like a real one instead of the sofa bed she lived on at Puck and Finn's apartment. She looked around the room, a poster of a half-naked woman stared back at her. So she was in Puck's bed. She checked under the covers, fully dressed. So she didn't sleep with him then. She rarely did anymore, only when they really needed to shag and they couldn't be bothered to spend the night flirting and giving out free drinks. She slept with Finn even less, especially after the great mustard incident a year ago. She shuddered at the thought and rolled over.

Puck was snoring lightly, his mouth hanging open. Brittany rolled her eyes at the dopey look on his face and kissed his forehead. She got out of bed and went into the kitchen. She made herself some coffee and went to the tin at the back of the cupboard.

She took everything out into the living room and tapped Finn on the back of the head, he leaned back and she kissed his forehead. She motioned for him to come out onto the small balcony they had. They both slid out of the window and sat on the garden chairs.

Brittany started to roll up the weed that she kept in the tin, making a large joint. Amsterdam style. Fuck yeah to her Dutch genes. At that moment, Puck came out and fist bumped Finn. He sat next to them and lit the joint resting in Brittany's mouth. She took a hit and let the good times roll.

They sat there for twenty minutes in silence, as they passed the joint around, taking hits. At that moment, Finn started giggling and clapping his hands like a seal. Puck and Brittany looked at each other with amused glances across their face before they too burst out into laughter. Tears were rolling down her face as she clutched her sides. It was hilarious. She wasn't sure what 'it' was. But she knew it was fucking funny.

They sat there for the next two hours, watching the world around them spin, watching the people on the sidewalks and the cars on the road. They talked about everything and anything. Things they wish for, happy memories from the club. It was these times, with her friends, smoking and chilling that Brittany felt like everything was okay. She loved her job, she loved her friends. But then the high would wear off. And she was back, remembering why she smoked and snorted and fucked in the first place.

At that the doorbell rang, and Brittany jumped up to get it. She opened the door and groaned loudly in the face of the girl standing there, in all her four foot glory.

"Rachel, sup?"

"Hello Brittany, how are you. Nothing much is up. I just came to see Finn. We were going to relax here for a while and then go and get some alcoholic beverages for the party tonight." Rachel rattled on.

Brittany decided to have some fun with the girl. It wasn't that she disliked her; in fact she secretly enjoyed the amusing ramblings. Sometimes. It was more the fact that Rachel Berry was just too easy to wind up.

"What's the password Rach?" Brittany asked, cocking an eyebrow and crossing her arms, she blocked the doorway so Rachel couldn't walk past.

Rachel looked at her stunned, she stuttered for a second before disbelief crossed her face. "Is this a joke?"

Brittany shook her head, inside she was laughing manically but she steeled herself. "No joke, no password, no entry I'm afraid."

"But...I…Wha? FINN!" Rachel bellowed out. Brittany held her ears and groaned.

"Jesus Christ, come in before the damn neighbours complain. God almighty did you swallow a microphone? Ugh" She stepped and allowed Rachel past, marching to Finn's room as the boy was stumbling out.

"Good one baby B." Puck fist bumped Brittany as she came to sit on the couch. Puck and Finn's apartment was a modest, two bedroom abode. The view was good and there were two bathrooms. They made good money from the club but when they bought the place, they didn't have Brittany as a third roommate. Once she moved in, they offered to move, but she decided to sleep on the pull out couch so the rent was cheaper. She didn't really care where she slept; she crashed all over and always went back to someone else's when she got lucky.

"So, was it your genius idea to let Hudson and Berry get the drinks for tonight? I mean really, this girl thought wine coolers were the devil's juice." Brittany asked Puck, he looked at her and laughed at the memory.

"I've given them a list. We got this mama. You spoke to Hunter? Ain't really a party without the blizzard." Puck looked at Brittany. He only did blow occasionally, not like Brittany, his drug was weed. That shit never hurt nobody.

He tried getting Brittany to cut back, but from past experiences with his deadbeat dad, he knew that you couldn't help someone who didn't want it. And Brittany Pierce didn't have an incentive to stop. He knew she would do it tonight anyway so he'd rather do it with her, at least he could control the amount. He had honestly researched so many different types of help she could get but when he gave her all those leaflets she didn't speak to him for a week and told him to suck her dick. So safe to say she didn't take his advice. Wouldn't stop him from trying again later though.

"Yeah, I'm going to see him in an hour, why are you looking at me like that?" Brittany saw how Puck was giving her some weird puppy dog eyes. Was he still high?

"I just worry about you sometimes. I wish, I don't know, that you would just maybe cut the coke out of your life." Oh boy, here we go. Why did he say that? He wanted to slap himself upside the head right now.

"You literally just asked me if we were getting some. What the fuck Noah? And I'm fine, I'm not some fucking idiot who snorts a kilo a day. Just some here and there. I pay my bills and my rent on time. It's my money. I'm not some addict or anything. Fuck you." Noah tried interjecting at various points in her speech. Now she had finished he took his chance.

"No, I know Brittany, I only asked that because I knew if I didn't, you'd do some in the bathroom anyway, at least this way we can all make sure we just have enough for a good time. Look, whether you're an addict or not is something only you can really say, shit, I don't know I'm not good at this stuff. What I'm saying is, maybe, ugh I don't know okay?" Puck finished his ramblings. He just wanted her to admit she had a problem and get help. It never works like that though, she wasn't willing to help herself so he just had to make sure she was a safe as can be. God damn this beautiful, angelic bitch. He loved her so much.

"I get it okay Puck, but I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm going to get some real coffee, and then I'll meet Hunter. I'll be back for the party. Don't let Berry get wine coolers. Or I'll kick both your asses." She got up, shrugged her leather jacket on and left the apartment.

Puck sighed and threw himself back on the couch.

"Fuck."

* * *

"How do I look Q. Be honest on a scale from volcanic lava to the fiery pits of hell." Santana smirked as she looked back at her friend. She was wearing a tight fitting, black dress that came to her mid-thigh. Showing ample cleavage, she wanted to let the girls breathe a little, so sue her.

"As cold as your heart, bitch." Quinn teased. They came to the apartment door where the party was meant to be, they could hear the low bass resonate through the walls so guessed this was the right place.

Quinn knocked and waited for an answer. Puck opened the door and smiled at Quinn before roaming his eyes over Santana.

"Those aren't my eyes dick." Santana glared at Puck. He shrugged and let them in, offering to take their coats to the bedroom.

They analysed the scene in front of them. Quinn recognised some of her colleagues from her first day. The girl called Rachel was hanging off who she believed to be co-owner Finn. She was clearly inebriated and kept trying to climb him like a tree. She saw Kurt and a boy with gelled hair dancing around to the music whilst Tina, Mike and Artie the resident DJ were playing a lopsided game of Beer Pong. She hardly recognised anyone else but the apartment was pretty packed with people.

She and Santana walked over to the drinks table and mixed a strong vodka mixer. They wanted to be buzzed enough that they could make the rounds without it being awkward.

Puck sailed up to Brittany, who was coming out of his room. She had just finished getting ready, deciding to wear jean shorts, suspenders and a white shirt, with none of the buttons done up of course.

"Britt, Britt, Britt. Holy mother of Buddha, Jesus and Allah." Puck grabbed Brittany's arm and stealthy peered around the corner into the main living room area.

"Yes Puck, any reason you're manhandling a defenceless young lady? And shame on you for your dirty mouth." Brittany joked whilst shrugging off Puck's hands.

"That Quinn Fabray girl is here, and she bought her friend. Who bought two of her own friends tonight if ya get what I mean" Puck furiously winked at Brittany.

Brittany chuckled at her friend's antics. "Yeah I get what you mean Puck. Which one is she?"

Puck pointed out the Latina in the tight dress. Brittany's eyes popped out of her head as she roamed the hot girl's body. She felt like she was drooling. Was she drooling? Okay game plan, be cool Pierce. Be cool. You got this.

Brittany swaggered into the room, most people turned their heads, some people called her out. Yep, motherfucking boss right here. She walked up to the crowd in the middle of the room, fist bumping and laughing with them. That's right, she's Brittany S Pierce, life and soul of any party. She is the party. The party is her.

"Hey Brittany, can I get you a drink?" Candice, an attractive, girl sidled up to her. Brittany had gone down on her before, maybe. Did she? Anyway that hot girl was by the table so no thank you Candice, Brittany Pierce will get her own drink. She walked past Kurt and told him to go up to Quinn and talk to her. He of course questions why, but she threatens to swap his lotion for something a lot worse and he squealed whilst running up to the Triangle newbie.

Target acquired, lock and load Brittany. God she's got to stop talking to herself in her head. What a douchebag.

She walks up to Santana and casually poured herself a healthy glass of vodka with vodka. She swallowed half and nearly gags and how strong that is. Discreetly pouring a large dose of lemonade into the glass, she turns and eyes the girl.

"Hello, you must be Quinn's friend, she mentioned that she was coming with a plus one tonight. I'm Brittany, Finn, Puck and I live here. They're the co-owners. Did you want another drink, making them is kind of my speciality." Okay Pierce, nice wholesome conversation, get her name. Don't make the Brazilian drink and bring the classy mood to a new low.

Santana turned and listened to this Blonde girl, Brittany, wearing probably the cutest outfit she had ever seen witter on. She seemed nice enough, and Jesus her body was god honest perfection. Those Abs. Mhmm Honey.

"Santana, nice to meet you Brittany," Santana gave a flirty wink, might as well get something out of the night, this girl though. Her eyes. "Yeah a drink would be nice, thanks."

Brittany nodded and made a colourful cocktail, sliding it over to Santana.

"Thanks, what is it?" Santana lifted the glass and sniffed, the drink was purple and then at the bottom blended into blue. Pretty fucking cool.

"Now, now Santana. Where's the fun in that? You're gonna have to drink my juice before I let you in on my secrets"

Well okay then, Santana thought as she drunk. Ooh yeah, that girl's juice was good. Drink. That girl made good drinks. She corrected herself, in her head.

"Purple rain!" Brittany burst out. Losing some coolness points along the way. Way to go Britt!

Santana chuckled as she downed the drink, this Brittany Pierce was pretty fucking adorable. And hot. And well, beautiful too.

Brittany made Santana one more drink, and one for herself, before she led the Latina over to the couch area. Puck and Quinn were in a world of their own, conversing about God knows what. Finn was holding a clearly 'smashed out of her head' Rachel, whilst Sam and Mercedes giggled into each other's ears. Gross.

"So, Santana, can I call your parents real quick?" Santana had a confused look on her face from at the Blonde's request and asked why she would want to do that.

Brittany's face split into a grin at the Latina falling into her trap "So I can congratulate them on their gene pool."

Santana's face blanked for all of two seconds before laughing at Brittany. "Oh Brittany, no that was so bad! Please, I can't. That was the worst pick up line I've ever heard!" Santana made to get up.

"Okay, okay I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I just had to let you know I think you're beautiful without being all weird about it with some heartfelt confession. That was pretty bad though! Although, being bad at pickup lines isn't something to be upset over really." Brittany grabbed Santana by the waist, pulling her into her lap. She circled her arms around the smaller girl.

Damn, she fell right for that one. She had Santana in her arms and let her know she was interested whilst making her laugh. She needed to use the bad pick up line more often.

Santana relaxed at Brittany's sweet words. She was charmed that was for sure. She sat back into Brittany, the alcohol having some effect as she loosened up.

"Thank you Brittany, you know you're quite adorable. Especially how you're blushing right now" Santana whispered into the bartender's ear. Brittany blushed but covered it up by scoffing.

"Adorable? Oh no Santana. I'm sexy and hot and sexy." Brittany listed off, getting distracted by the girl's breathing, so close to her face.

"Mhmm, you're certainly all those things too," Santana husked. God that drink was strong, she's already played all her cards.

Luckily, at that moment, Rachel, seemingly back from the dead, jumped off from Finn where she was dozing and yelled out "BODY SHOTS!"

Everybody cheered as they made their way to the drinks table. Brittany and the rest of the smaller group gathered round, getting out the bottles that they had hidden earlier. Yeah they were cheap like that, so what?

"Is everybody in here part of the club? There are a lot of people here tonight." Quinn asked. Puck had his arm draped around her shoulders. Brittany gave him a subtle wink whilst Mercedes's explained that some were but most were just random friends and people who had heard of the party from others.

Brittany grabbed a tequila bottle and held it up to Santana "This okay for you miss…"

"Lopez" Santana finished Brittany's open ended question "And yeah, tequila's my poison. Let's see what you got Pierce." Santana winked at the girl and a jolt of heat went straight to Brittany's core. Oh god, what a sticky situation.

Everybody was miraculously paired off already as they grabbed different drinks. Some people went to town straight away, sucking and licking necks and stomachs whilst others were more refined. Puck licked Quinn's hand whilst Brittany smirked at him and twisted Santana so she had access to her delicious, caramel neck.

She dragged her nose up and down the expanse as Santana quivered. Around her earlobe and she gently nibbled on it, behind her ear, down to her pulse point and back. Santana was shaking with so much arousal. Brittany poked her tongue out and licked the smooth skin. She had to admit, Santana tasted mighty fucking good. She poured the shot down Santana's neck as it trickled under her dress. Brittany tried so hard to focus but she couldn't help but peak at the trail it had left.

She grabbed the Latina's chin gently and looked into her eyes. She gave a slow, sultry wink and before Santana could really prepare herself, slid her tongue up and down and around, lapping all of the tequila up. Santana moaned, probably too loudly as Brittany absolutely destroyed her neck, sucking and gently biting. Her hand was creeping lower, nearly disappearing under her own dress, then she realised she was still in public and didn't want to give everyone a free show.

Brittany smacked her lips and looked at Santana through hooded eyelids. A slow smirk adorned her face.

That was it, Santana thought, she was so done for. Her panties were already ruined, her neck was completely violated and now this cocky yet charming woman was making her thighs shake. Brittany understood completely what Santana was pleading for with her eyes. She wrapped the Latina's legs around her body and hoisted them both up. She walked towards Finn's room, ignoring the protests from said boy and the cheers from Sam and Mercedes.

She slammed the door with her foot and deposited Santana on the bed. If she thought she was successful in charming Santana out there, she knew that in here, this was where Brittany could really work her magic.

She ran her hands up and down the Latina's thighs, tickling the inside of them and Santana tried to trap her hands and get some friction. Brittany lifted the dress slowly up the girl's body. Revealing more skin as she went. She got to the bottom of the girl's tits before leaving the dress there. Her abs were insane, and her thong was barely covering anything. Brittany looked at Santana and licked her lips. The smaller girl moaned and closed her eyes slightly.

Brittany's thumbs worked the underside of the girl's boobs around the curve and back.

"Brittany, please, do…do something. More, please." Santana begged. Well Brittany could not argue with that direction. She lifted the dress completely off the girl and slid her thong down. Her eyes landed on her chest.

My, oh my.

She thumbed the nipples gently at first, and then harder when Santana arched her back. Aching for more contact. She slowly lent down and sucked the first one into her mouth. Swirling her tongue around. She went to the second one and paid it just as much attention. She wanted to move to Santana's chest. Was that possible? Hell, she'd make it work.

Her hands slowly slid down the girl's body, savouring every inch of skin, knowing this would drive her crazy. She teased her hand where she knew the girl would want it most. But one look into the girl's eyes and she knew she had to start the pleasure.

She twisted and flicked and curled. Santana was practically screaming her name whilst Brittany whispered encouraging words in the girl's ear, stopping to suckle on the girls glorious tits and back to her ear again. When she felt the Latina's walls slowly pulling Brittany's fingers in further, she moved her head down and took the girl's clit, which peaked out of its hood, into her mouth. On the count of three she simultaneously sucked whilst curling her fingers into the girl.

Santana's walls contracted so violently, Brittany thought her fingers were going to be sucked away. It pulsated and contracted and Brittany thought she had died and gone to heaven. Funnily enough, Santana was thinking the exact same thing as she sent out a silent scream. She couldn't even muster the energy to talk. All she could do was whimper and she rode out her orgasm.

Brittany came back up when Santana released her fingers and made sure the girls was watching before she slowly sucked on them. She then bent down and whispered into her ear "Damn Santana, your juice tastes just as good as mine."

Santana was so done.

Brittany laid next to the girl as she recovered. It felt like forever until Santana moved again, she made to stroke Brittany's stomach, but Brittany caught her hand, stopping her exploration.

"This was all for you Santana, don't worry about me" Brittany turned and got up off the bed. Santana furrowed her brows and looked at the girl, a little upset she couldn't reciprocate.

"But, what if I don't mind. I want to make you feel good."

"You did," Brittany assured "but, it's fine really. I'm just going to pop to the toilet real quick, I'll see you back out there. Okay, I'll be two secs."

"Okay…" Santana sighed out.

With that, Brittany exited the room and walked down the corridor. She shut her eyes tightly as she entered the bathroom and closed the toilet lid. She just couldn't let Santana see her that way. She didn't want anybody to see her so vulnerable and exposed.

And anyway, she didn't deserve someone to waste their time on her. She was not worth it.

She opened her eyes as she grabbed the bag taped to the back of the toilet. She had taped it earlier, knowing the other guests wouldn't look here. She and Puck had vacuumed a line up earlier, but she just needed a bit extra. It hadn't worked as well as it usually did so she upped the amount.

The earlier conversation with Puck also played in her mind. It was nice that he was concerned, but he couldn't do anything for her. Couldn't force her to do anything. And really she was fine. She didn't need this stuff, she just liked how it made her feel. Made her forget. Fucking Puck.

She closed her mind off to the rushing thoughts swirling around, something she had mastered these past two and a half years and snorted the two lines she had laid out. It overloaded her senses and she gasped. Oh yeah here we go she thought as her heart started thrumming in her chest. She wanted to run up the walls and fly off the building. She felt invincible. She felt fucking fantastic.

She waited in the bathroom for a few minutes for the intense feelings to drop slightly before she turned and re-joined the party. She sought out the dark headed beauty she just thoroughly fucked in Finn's room but couldn't see her. She walked over to the couch and was about to sit next to Finn and Rachel, until she saw them latch onto each other. No thank you, she was going to steer clear of that hot mess. She felt hands slide around her waist and a kiss pressed against her cheek. She smirked and turned around.

Santana grinned shyly at her "Me and Quinn are leaving; I just wanted to say bye and thanks, for the, you know" Santana blushed and rolled her eyes at her own embarrassment.

Brittany smiled at how cute Santana was being; she poked one of her dimples and ghosted her lips against the Latina's cheek, "It was my pleasure, come again soon." Brittany winked and slid her hand over Santana's ass.

Santana grinned at the girl's joke and grabbed her jacket. She and Quinn walked to the front door, she turned once more and saw those blue eyes following her, she turned back and left the apartment. Her face was aching from the smile she had across her face.

Brittany smirked as she thought back to what went down in Finn's room. Or who went down. She snorted at her own joke and made her way to the dance floor. Ready to finish the night off well.


	3. Chapter 3

Brittany awoke the next morning and tried to get out of the vice grip that was around her neck. She turned her head slightly and startled at the image she saw. Rachel Berry, with her mouth wide open, was snoring right in Brittany's face. Her arms tightened around the blonde's neck as Brittany tried to wiggle away, desperate to get out from under the midget.

"Finn! Puck! Mercedes! Help me" Brittany cried out, how the hell did Rachel manage this death grip? She managed to slide out and Rachel let go of her neck as she stood up. She walked into the kitchen and saw the rest of the group around the table, all of them clearly hanging.

"Jesus Christ, did I walk into a zombie movie? You all look fucking terrible!" Brittany screeched as the group all groaned and covered their ears.

"How are you not feeling like shit right now B, you were more fucked than all of us?" Puck whispered out. Brittany shrugged and moved around the table to sit on his lap. He groaned out and held onto her waist so she wouldn't fall.

"I'm used to feeling like shit so…" Brittany trailed off. Puck sighed at the girl's double meaning. She jumped off his lap and zipped up the coat hanging on one of the chairs. She grabbed Puck's favourite beanie, an Oakland Raiders one, he thought he was cool like that, and pulled it over her head. Blonde locks flowing out from the bottom. She rubbed her friend's head teasingly before kissing a sleeping Finn on the cheek and making her way out the front door.

The crisp, cold air hit her face as she stepped onto the pavement and made her way down the street. Usually, she would hit the nearest coffee shop after a night out but today she wanted to take a longer walk. The air really clearing her mind of all the shit that had been swirling round. She walked aimlessly for a good hour, taking in the city. She loved New York. Loved growing up here, loved living here and working here. She was a city girl completely.

She came across a café on the corner and decided to get a hot drink and warm up slightly. She entered and made her way to the counter, ready to get a hot chocolate. She made to open her mouth when she stopped. Familiar brown eyes staring back at her, as alarmed as she was.

"Britt-"

"Sant-"

The girls both said at the same time. They smiled softly at each other as Brittany gestured for Santana to speak first.

"What would you like to order Brittany?" Santana grabbed a cup and wrote down the order Brittany read off the board. She started to make the drink, glancing shyly at Brittany, who was waiting down the end, every so often. She looked stunning. In the light, in just jeans and a sweatshirt and a beanie, she looked even more beautiful and Santana thought she found her favourite Brittany look. She finished off the drink and prepared herself to talk to the girl again.

Brittany took the drink that Santana had slid towards her with a small thanks. She took a sip and looked at the girl over her cup. Even in the work uniform, Santana was absolutely smoking hot. And pretty. She was pretty too. Brittany wasn't really expecting to see Santana again, but now she was here, she was kind of glad she had. Well that's new.

"So…you're a café girl then? I get it, you do make a mean hot chocolate," Brittany lifted her cup and winked at the girl. Everytime Brittany winked; Santana felt that her heart had been electrocuted. "I hope you enjoyed the party yesterday, you left just before things got wild, Kurt, that's they guy Quinn's working with, he did a striptease to Broadway music, you should've seen it when the Rent soundtrack came on!" Santana chuckled at Brittany's anecdote. She didn't really want to leave the party but knew if she didn't, she'd feel like shit at work.

"I'm pretty sure I was there when it got wild," Brittany blushed as Santana alluded to their escapade "but that does sound pretty crazy. It seems like you're always in the middle of these wild jaunts I've been hearing about. Maybe I should take this as a warning and stay away from you, you seem like a bad influence." Santana teased the girl as she leant over the counter, giving Brittany a nice view of her assets. Santana watched as Brittany's eyes trailed down to her cleavage and she licked her lips.

"Well, Santana, you seemed pretty happy to be under my influence last night. But I have to say, I agree, I'm all bad." Brittany dropped her voice into a throaty whisper. If this girl wanted to play, bring it on.

Santana chuckled and stood up, trying to hide how aroused Brittany just made her. Damn, she needs to stop ruining her panties. Brittany cleared her throat and prepared herself to ask something she hadn't ever really asked before; she didn't even know why she was about to do this. She just really, really wanted to. "So San, can I…get your number?"

Santana smiled at how cute Brittany was being, she chuckled and wrote her number down, sliding the paper over to Brittany who was eyeing it as if she didn't believe Santana had actually given her it.

"Great," Brittany exclaimed whilst grabbing the paper and slipping it into her pocket "you should come to the club tonight. It's student night, which I hear you are." Erm, what? Okay, did she just ask Santana to come to the club? Yep, yes she did. And Jesus, when did she lose all her game?

"That, sounds like fun. I'll be there" Santana smiled at the girl, happy at how eager Brittany seemed to be to hang out.

Brittany's eyes widened, she was totally ready to backtrack and tell Santana not to worry. "Okay, great, yeah. I've gotta get back and help Puck clean the apartment. But, I'll be seeing you soon, then. Bye Santana." Brittany managed to stutter out her goodbyes and waved as she walked out the café. Both her and Santana letting out big sighs when they were no longer in the same company.

* * *

"Are you actually gonna help baby B, or you just gonna stare at your phone with that retarded face?" Puck asked as he wore rubber gloves and held up a bin bag. Brittany looked up from her phone; she was lounging across the couch whilst Puck cleaned. She was going to help, but she added Santana's number into her phone and had spent the last hour deciding what she could text her.

"Who you even texting?" Puck asked as he leaned over and looked at the screen. Brittany couldn't pull the phone away quick enough and she knew he saw who it was as soon as his stupid face lit up in a stupid grin. Stupid Puck.

"Oh, that Santana chick eyy? Now that is a surprise. Why do you have her number and why haven't you texted her yet?" Puck asked as he gathered the empty bottles that littered the table.

Brittany sighed. She didn't really know the answer to either question. She didn't know why she wanted Santana's number, nor did she know why she asked Santana to come tonight. "I saw her in a coffee shop and asked for it. No biggie Puck. Anyway she's coming tonight, so…"

Puck eyed his friend, "Damn B, you asked her to come tonight? Shit, you like her don't you! Get it Pierce!" Puck held his fist out but Brittany ignored it and glared at him.

"No Puck, it's not like that. She was a good lay, and she's hot. That's all" Even as Brittany said it, she knew how much of a fucking liar she was. God damn she did not need something like this right now. She needed a hit, of something, anything.

Puck looked at his friend, knowing that she was lying to herself. He took the plunge "Britt, stop blaming yourself, and stop living your life like this. You need to move through this, and I think you should give Santana a shot."

Brittany glared at him, her heart ripping in two as he mentioned the blame that lay heavy on her shoulders. That had been laying there for nearly three years now. "Fuck you Puck, you don't know shit about anything. I didn't invite Santana tonight so I could have her lady babies, she's hot and I'm young. I'm living my life to the fullest. Maybe you should try it sometime." With that, Brittany stood up and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Puck sighed heavily and sat on the couch, hoping his friend could get her shit together before it got to the point of no return.

* * *

"Hey Quinn! These shoes or these shoes?" Santana held up two different pairs of pumps at her best friend. She was going with Quinn to the club tonight. She was looking forward to having a drink and some fun. She looked at her phone, checking to see if she had any texts. Nope, not yet.

Santana thought back to her earlier interactions with Brittany. She was quite enamoured with the blonde and despite Quinn warning her after hearing Santana talk about the girl, she could not stop thinking about her. She put the pair on Quinn picked out and they headed to the club. It was so grand from the outside and the queue was already around the block. Luckily, they used the staff entrance and made their way to the third level.

Santana looked around at the top floor. One wall was a massive window that looked out onto the city. The view was incredible. There was a stage off to the side and couches were scattered around. The room had a real relaxed ambience and the people in suits sipping on cocktails gave away the type of crowd that frequented this room. She sipped on her drink for a while and listened as Quinn, Rachel and Kurt conversed and mixed drinks for the patrons.

She sat there for around thirty minutes, feeling slightly buzzed as she finished her second drink. She decided to wander the club and see if she recognised anyone. She said farewell to Quinn, who told her to be careful and walked down the stairs.

She came across the main room, which was absolutely packed with people jumping to the sound of the music, thumping and pounding. She thought about staying here for a while, but she knew which room Brittany worked in and she really wanted to see her. She made her way to the doorway that led down to the basement room and descended.

She heard whooping and hollering as she came into the room. This room was darker than the other two, with a bar on the far wall. It was more urban and edgy compared to the other two rooms and Santana could see why it held a more rebellious reputation. She eyed the bar and smiled when she saw Brittany and Mercedes up on the bar, pouring liquid into the lucky mouths of the customers at the front. She checked Brittany out, who was wearing black shorts and a black vest top with a trilby hat perched on her head.

She watched the scene in front of her for a while, basking in the delight etched on Brittany's face as she took orders and made drinks effortlessly. She watched as Mercedes pulled up a young lady onto the bar and tapping Brittany on the shoulder. Brittany grinned at the girl which made Santana feel a little uneasy, she watched as Brittany pulled the girl's shirt up and kissed along the showing skin. Her heart started beating erratically as Brittany looked into the girl's eyes as she licked along her abs. She wanted to burst into tears, right here in this club. She wanted Brittany to look at her like that, not some slut.

Santana made to turn but bumped into a blonde haired boy whom she recognised from the party yesterday. "Santana right? I'm Sam, you here for Brittany?" Santana nodded at Sam's question. He looked over to the bar and understood why Santana had made to leave. He sighed and looked back at the Latina.

"Look, Santana, you seem like a nice enough girl, and Brittany seemed to take an interest in you yesterday. And I get it, you know, Brittany is very easy to fall for. Hell look around, everyone here is obsessed with the girl. Even Mercedes and I are a little infatuated with her. That's just how she is. But, that's all she ever will be to people. An infatuation. Brittany doesn't do long term, or relationships or feelings. She hasn't changed in the last two and a half years I've known her and she probably ever won't. I'm not telling you this for any other reason but to just let you know to be careful." Sam finished off his speech and headed to the bar. Santana had tears streaming down her face at Sam's words. She took off for the exit, wondering how many others had been left in tears because of Brittany Pierce.

* * *

"Hey Britt!" Brittany looked over at Sam, as he hopped over the bar. She had a dopey smile on her face as she poured out twenty shots in record time. Damn she was on a roll!

"Sam! What's up! Good tips tonight man, making a killing!" Sam chuckled at Brittany's hyper behaviour. She was making drinks a mile a minute.

"I just saw your girl back by the door, looked like she was gonna leave, around the time you had that chick up here." Brittany's eyes widened at the boy's words. Santana was here? And she saw Brittany with that girl and left. Oh shit. She hopped over the bar and shouted out for Sam to cover for her. She raced up the stairs, god she felt like she was on fire the way she ran to the front doors of the club. Thank god for that earlier line she did. She burst out and looked up and down the sidewalk. She noticed a girl hunched over throwing up whilst another guy held her hair and her bag.

Brittany grimaced to herself and looked down the other side of the road. She saw what must be Santana hold her hand out for a taxi. She sprinted towards the girl screaming out her name.

Santana looked up as Brittany hurtled towards her, she sighed and put her hand down. Brittany came up to the girl, realising that she had tear stained cheeks and her heart plummeted. Was Santana upset because of her?

"Santana, Sam said he saw you leave. Are you ok?" Santana scoffed at the girl's questioning. She was pissed. She knew Brittany wasn't her girlfriend or anything but she invited the girl here and then proceeded to get all up on some other girl, hell nah.

"Huh, yeah Sam let me know how it would be. I mean I know we aren't anything really, but inviting me here and then getting another girl up on the bar, knowing I'd be at the club, that fucking hurt Britt. But whatever, I'm not about to play stupid fucking games, so I'm just gonna go." Santana turned to walk down the road but Brittany grabbed her arm.

"Wait Santana! What did Sam say? And it wasn't like that at all! I was really looking forward to you coming tonight, but the basement room, things like that happen, it's all just an act. We're meant to do things like that with the crowd, but it doesn't mean shit Santana. I'm sorry you had to see that, but don't leave like this, at least let me take you home, it's not safe on your own."

Santana relaxed slightly at the girl's words. She wanted to believe Brittany so badly, but what about all that shit trouty spewed from his ginormous mouth? Was she just setting herself up to be hurt when she was in too deep and Brittany got bored?

Either way, she knew it wasn't safe to be out alone in the city at night, especially in an inebriated state, so she took Brittany up on their offer and got a taxi together. They sat in silence as Brittany lightly stroked her hand. Brittany was slowly coming down from her high and sobering up. She realised how nervous she was when Santana nearly walked away. She couldn't really deny anymore that Santana meant more to her than just a one night stand, but she was still so scared of what that meant. She wasn't really ready to face it right now.

They pulled up to Santana's apartment and Brittany helped her out. Brittany paid the driver and led Santana up the stairs. Opening the door, Santana told Brittany which door was hers and she held onto the blonde. Brittany led Santana over to the bed and lightly placed her there. She made to leave but Santana held on.

"San, I have to go back, I left work and I need to finish my shift. I'll let Quinn know you went home. I'm going to meet you tomorrow, for lunch or breakfast, whenever you're up. I'll text you and we'll talk more when everybody is sober." Brittany lightly stroked the girl's locks and kissed her on the forehead. Santana nodded and Brittany went to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water, coming back to the room, she noticed Santana had drifted off so she left the glass on the side. Brittany looked at the sleeping beauty and smiled sadly to herself. She was already screwing this up. She left the apartment and made the journey back to the club, ready to finish off her shift as quickly as possible.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for all the reviews, favourites and follows!**

Santana woke up the next morning, her throat burning and a churning in her gut. She felt like she needed to throw up but knew she didn't drink that much last night. She looked to her bedside and saw a glass of water on the side. She grabbed it and downed it in one. She checked her phone and her eyes widened at the notifications on her screen.

2 messages from a number that she doesn't have saved on her phone. Could it be Brittany? She unlocked her phone and clicked the message icon.

_6:25 am Hey San, it's Brittany. So I just got home and I wanted to text you because I'm going to sleep for a few hours but I wanted to let you know I will text you when I'm awake so we can arrange to meet xx_

_11:47 am Hey San, I just woke up, text me when you're awake and we can arrange something. I hope you slept well, I left some water on your table so you could get rehydrated :) xx_

Santana checked the time. It was 12:15. She texted Brittany back, letting the girl know she was awake and smiled at messages. Then she remembered Sam's words from yesterday and seeing Brittany on that bar. She sighed to herself and checked her phone again when it vibrated.

_12:17 pm Great! How about at 1, I'll meet you at the Starbucks, around the corner from your place? Xx_

Santana texted back, letting Brittany know she would be there and got up . She silently got ready, trying to not make too much noise so she wouldn't wake Quinn. She wrapped a scarf round her neck and heading out. Wanting to get there earlier than Brittany so she could prepare herself for this.

* * *

She waited for ten minutes and watched as Brittany made her way into the coffee shop. The girl moving flawlessly to the table Santana snagged right at the back, away from the rest of the shop. Brittany gave her a small, yet beautiful smile and Santana couldn't help but be smitten, once again.

"Hey San, is this for me?" Brittany pointed to the cup in front of her and Santana nodded, "Thanks, how are you feeling? You look well rested."

Santana and Brittany made small talk for a few moments, wanting to ease into this conversation.

"San, something you said yesterday has been playing on my mind. What did Sam say to you?" Brittany asked the girl across from her. Santana took a sip of her drink and sighed. She relayed what the boy had told her and she watched as Brittany's face turned from passive to a small glare. She finished recanting the speech and Brittany held the silence for half a minute before sighing and looking at the girl. She wanted to be honest with Santana.

"You know San, he's mostly right. I don't do relationships or feelings with people. But Sam shouldn't have stuck his guppy mouth into this." Santana's heart cracked and shattered into pieces. She felt a lump rise in her throat as she tried to maintain her composure. "Feelings are something that I don't want to get into, or I didn't. But I met you, and I tried not to feel anything, but I do. And I don't know what to do with it, I'm not really good for you."

Santana took in the girl's words, hope taping together the earlier cracks made. She formulated a response in her head, knowing she had to careful not to scare Brittany away. She was clearly hurting from something, but Santana didn't need to know what yet. All in good time.

"Look Brittany, I'm going to be straight with you, because you've been straight with me and I appreciate that. I like you. I was jealous when I saw you yesterday and I was so upset when Sam said what he said. But I understand that this can be scary. So…what if we just do something fun, tonight before you go to work. Maybe the cinema? It can be just as two friends who like each other, no pressure."

Brittany smiled at Santana's idea. She liked the idea of a no pressured situation where she can hang out and agreed to go. The smile that lit the younger girl's face is worth it all Brittany thought. She knew that Santana didn't know about the drugs she took but she couldn't just bring it up. What if Santana didn't like that sort of thing and decided Brittany wasn't worth it? She really wanted to be honest, and she would be, soon. At some point.

The girls chatted for a little while longer, just enjoying each other and conversing easily about random topics before departing and going their separate ways, with the promise to meet up at the cinema tonight.

* * *

It was just after six and Brittany was waiting outside the cinema for Santana. She was nervous but also really excited that she was getting to spend more time alone with Santana. She wasn't ready for tonight to be anything but two friends hanging out. She just wished she could be, for Santana's sake.

Speaking of, she spotted the girl coming up to her, wearing skinny jeans and a simple jumper. She looked stunning. Brittany didn't know how this girl could make her feel so giddy all the time.

"Hey Britt, you look nice, hope you weren't waiting for long, I couldn't find my shoes but then I realised Quinn stole them earlier on in the week so…" Santana started.

"No worries San, you look really nice tonight. Should we go, I know the movie starts in around twenty minutes and we need to get some popcorn!" Brittany jumped on the balls of her feet and grinned at the girl.

They smiled at each other, making small talk as they entered the cinema. Brittany was about to pay for both tickets but stopped herself, she didn't want to lead Santana on like that and give her the wrong idea. God, she's such a coward.

Brittany realised how easy it was to talk to Santana, like silly topics such as which animal would they be – Brittany chose a unicorn, of course – whilst Santana argued they weren't real. A twenty minute debate on mythical creatures followed and Brittany had never laughed as much in her life. And conversations about their favourite music, movies food. Brittany thought she never met someone who complimented her choices as much as Santana's had.

They watched an animated film; Brittany wanted something light, something she wouldn't mind missing as she discreetly kept peering at Santana. She didn't realise that Santana was trying to do exactly the same during the duration of the film. And when it came time to part, Brittany didn't flirt and try and invite herself back, like she might've done in a different situation. She hugged the Latina, holding her close for a second too long, before kissing her on the cheek and making her way home, replaying the way Santana's eyes sparkled and her dimples came out when her lips brushed her cheek.

Oh, dear. She was so done for.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings: Hard drug use, language, references to sex**

"_How's Daisy?"_

"_Baby B, I'm so sorry"_

"_Puck, don't fucking-WHERE IS SHE?"_

"_You've broken us Brittany. We will never forgive you for this."_

"_Stay with us."_

"_Mm Brittany you like that? Such a slut, you'll do anything for a high. I'll give you a high."_

Brittany was trembling as she startled awake. Playing and replaying every image over in her head. Every fuck up and heartbreak from the last three years. Some days, she didn't know why she bothered anymore.

* * *

Santana and Brittany had been texting more and more since they met up at the cinema three weeks ago. They had been asking each other silly questions about their favourites – colours, places, drinks, etc. – and Brittany had been going to the coffee shop when she knew Santana was working. So she worked out her schedule, that wasn't creepy. Santana hadn't been to the club since that night and Brittany hadn't invited her either. She knew that if Santana was there, she wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else and Santana didn't want to see how Brittany behaves when she works.

Truth be told, Brittany had completely toned down her antics. She hadn't slept with anyone which surprised her friends immensely but she still snorted a line or two nearly every time she worked and still popped any downer her dealer could get his hands on. That was when her thoughts and memories got so bad she was left quivering and shaking on the floor, praying for the courage to get through the flashbacks without help. She hadn't found the bravery to do so yet though.

She was currently sitting on the balcony, looking out onto the street. She hadn't worked in two days, Puck had cut everyone's hours at the club, and she hadn't spoken to Santana since the night before last. She felt completely cut off and isolated from everything. Her nightmares were getting worse, they always did around this time of year, and she was spending every waking moment either high or looking to get high. She just couldn't be sober right now, if she was sober, she would remember. She hadn't seen Puck or Finn since she worked last, Finn was basically living with Rachel and Puck, who knows?

Brittany looked down at her phone and sighed. Two messages.

_New message: Santana_

_New message: Hunter_

She unlocked her phone and hovered over Santana's name. But the pull of the other text had her opening it, reading it.

_Hey, got the good stuff, come round in an hour. If you do that thing with your tongue, I can give you a discount_

She sighed and locked her phone. She grabbed Puck's raiders hat and made her way to Hunter's, she just needed to get through this month. This month was always the hardest.

* * *

_Hey Britt! Are you busy today? X_

Santana looked at the last message she had texted Brittany, around twenty minutes ago. So far the blonde hadn't responded so maybe she was busy. She sighed and went back to her textbook. She and Quinn had been studying all night, but all she could think about was Brittany. How Brittany smiled, how she laughed, how her blue eyes sparkled in the sun.

"What's wrong San?" Santana looked up and saw Quinn, hazel eyes boring into her. They could always tell when something was wrong with the other. It was both a help and a hindrance.

"Nothing Q, nothing. Just…no nothing." Santana looked back at her textbook, not taking anything in. Quinn sighed and put her own book down. She knew that this must have something to do with the blonde that her roommate couldn't stop talking about, even though she didn't know she was spending all her time talking about Brittany. Quinn was apprehensive at first, knowing that her pseudo sister liked the bartender, but she knew she could only warn Santana so many times before the Latina stopped listening. The Lopez's are completely stubborn and strong willed.

"Well…okay. But if there was something, I'm here, or whatever. So…" Santana smiled at her friend's words. She knew she could go to Quinn with anything and vice versa, they just didn't like being all mushy about it.

"Yep. I know Q, thanks."

* * *

"God blondie, where did you learn to fuck like that? Anyway you ever injected before?" Brittany was asked. She felt sick and disgusted with what she had done. But she was craving what this guy had and knew he wouldn't give it up unless she gave him something first. She was thankful she was still a bit drunk; it made it all a little easier. She looked at the man in front of her. He was quite handsome and the only way you could tell he used his own product was the slight yellow tinge his skin had. That and the strange odour that followed him but Brittany didn't want to think about.

She had known Hunter for nearly three years. Back when she had just moved in with Puck and Finn, she went to a party with an old friend and there was Hunter. She had been drinking and going out a lot since she moved and when Hunter suggested something more fun, she had jumped on the chance to get as fucked as possible. Nearly three years down the line, and she was watching as the very same man slapped her arm whilst tightening the band around the upper part.

"Nah, once or twice. I don't do this as much, usually your other shit does the job, but…it's been a hard month so."

He jabbed the needle in a few times, missing her vein, before hitting the jackpot. He pushed the plunger down. Brittany gasped slightly, she didn't do this as often, only when the darkness surrounding her mind was so great, so pressurized that nothing else worked. Nothing else stopped her heart from shattering over and over again as she replayed every scene, every memory. But this. This beacon of shining hope that was being injected straight into her. Now this helped. She felt like she was kissing her creator. Every pain, regret, all the anguish and the hatred she held over herself, just disappeared.

Nothing hurt and everything was good. Everything was great.

* * *

It had been a whole day and night, and Santana's text had gone ignored. She had been checking her phone on and off since she sent the text yesterday, and was getting more and more disgruntled at the fact that Brittany hadn't text her back. She tried to convince herself it was because Brittany must be busy at work or busy with something, anything. But it kept coming back to the fact that Brittany had not responded.

She tried keeping herself busy, going to the cinema with Quinn, studying, going out for drinks with her work group at NYU. But she couldn't help but leap out of her seat and grab her phone every time she heard the ping, indicating she had a text. Everytime she wanted it to be Brittany, and everytime it wasn't.

She decided to call her mom; she hadn't spoken to her in a month and knew if she left it any longer, she'd get an earful.

**Hola mami**

_Santana, is that you? My, it's been so long, I've forgotten what you sound like_

Santana rolled her eyes at her mother's sarcasm **Si mami, it's me. Very funny. I just called to see how you are and how papi is.**

_Oh he's fine, we're both fine. How are you? How's Quinn? Is she getting on well with her studies? Is she eating healthy? Oh I miss her so much. And you Santanita._

**Jeez mami, she's fine. Great even, she's got a job, she likes her course. We miss you too mami. We were just talk- **Santana's phone buzzed letting her know she had a text message **MAMI I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE A TEXT. I'LL CALL YOU LATER. BYE.**

Santana hung up the phone without listening to her mother's exclamations. She looked at her phone, frantically trying to get to the text message button. She clicked it and her eyes lit up. She squealed internally and forgot all her previous thoughts about how Brittany must not care about her and how Santana didn't need the blonde anyway. Yeah she wasn't fooling anyone.

_Hey San, I'm sorry this is so late, I hadn't charged my phone until now! I lost my charger, but if you're not busy, how about tomorrow, we could do something fun? We can decide when we meet. Just come round ours when you wake up. I'll be here xx_

Santana sent a text letting Brittany know she was free and will be around before jumping up and fist pumping the air. She caught herself and looked round, making sure Quinn didn't see the display before he phone buzzed again. She looked down and saw who was calling her.

_Incoming call: Mami_

Shit.

* * *

Brittany and Puck were sitting outside, on the balcony, smoking a blunt that Brittany had just rolled. She was always better than puck at that, his hands were too big and she was good with her fingers.

She had just fired off a text to Santana, telling her to meet tomorrow. She felt bad that she had left it this late to respond, but she's been busy, dealing with her shit. Or not dealing with it at all, depends how you looked at it, Brittany thought.

"I haven't seen you round B. How you doing?" Puck asked his friend. He knew she always became more and more withdrawn around this time, and he knew why. In the past, he had tried everything he could to not let Brittany sit around and become even more of a shell than what she used to be. It was no use though. Nothing he could do or say would ever help.

Brittany exhaled, basking in the high. She knew Puck was hinting at something. "Good as can be Noah. I just can't believe it's been three years this month."

"I know B, I know." Puck didn't know what else to say. So he didn't say anything. Just raised his head and looked at the sun. Caught in his own memories of three years ago.

* * *

"_Fuck Brittany, you're a mess."_

"_You have ripped our heart out."_

"_It wasn't her fault."_

"_It's my entire fault."_

Once again, Brittany's eyes opened as her body trembled and sweated. She looked at the clock shakily, it was half eleven in the morning. She got up and went to the bathroom on autopilot. Trying so hard not think of the images flashing through her mind, like a picture show. She just needed to get to the bathroom and they'll be gone. She was trembling and shaking as she took the baggie off the back of the toilet and layed out the lines on the lid. It will all be okay in a second.

/

Santana knocked on the door to Brittany's apartment. She smoothed her clammy palms on her jeans. She was also nervous and excited to see Brittany but it was Puck who opened the door. He had become more bearable as Santana hung out with Brittany more. She also though the fact that she caught Quinn texting him once had something to do with it, but that she was holding close to her chest for now.

"Hey Puck, erm, I'm meant to be meeting Brittany here. I text her to let her know I was coming. Also, I really need to use your bathroom, if that's ok."

Puck opened the door wider "Yeah sure Santana, come in. She's probably sleeping if you don't mind waiting for her to get dressed. She slept in Finn's room last night since he was at Rachel's. I'll let her know you're waiting, and the bathroom is down the hall there, last door on the right."

Santana thanked Puck and sped down the hall, she just needed to double check that she looked ok, that was all. No biggie.

She opened the door and realised it was already occupied. She was about to apologise and walk out when she saw it was the blonde she came to see on the floor, hunched over the toilet. She thought Brittany was sick for a second so moved closer to help, but realised the toilet seat was down.

"Britt-"

Brittany jumped at the sound of someone calling her name. She turned, and saw Santana staring at her, shock evident in her eyes.

Santana saw Brittany turn, white powder covering the toilet seat, and Brittany holding a rolled up paper in her hand. She had powder on her nose and Santana knew, she wasn't stupid, she knew what Brittany had been doing. She was so shocked, they both were, they just stared at each other. Neither of the girls moved.

"Santana" Brittany started. This jolted Santana out of any daze she was in and she turned scrambling for the door as she heard Brittany calling her name. She rushed down the hallway, passed a surprised Puck and started to run, trying to get away from the scene.

Brittany tried getting up to go after the Latina, calling after her. She heard the front door slam and closed her eyes.

She truly was a complete fuck up.

Fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

**I accidentally deleted this chapter so sorry if you've already read it**

**So I wanted to explain why I chose to write this story. You hear a lot about drugs and the people how take them and their stories and I thought it was so interesting how people will do anything and I mean literally anything for a high. Some of these people are good people and they destroy themselves and all those around them for drugs and they might not mean for it to happen but it does. They love the people in their lives but they love the high and I wanted to write a story about that. Brittany isn't fundamentally a bad person, she's not evil but she's caught up in this crazy web and she's tangled. Some people sympathise with her and some don't, but ultimately this story is about her struggle and what she's going through and how it affects not only her but the people she loves. Thank you for all the reviews and please keep reviewing to let me know your thoughts on the struggle these characters are going through.**

**This chapter gets serious.**

**Warnings: Bad language, mentions of drugs**

It had been three hours since Santana had rushed out of Brittany's apartment. Three hours ago she saw the girl she was totally hooked on snorting cocaine in her bathroom. Santana didn't even know what to feel. Was she angry? Sad? Indifferent? She wasn't sure. She felt…disappointed. In the situation, a little in Brittany. She wasn't really against drugs per se; she and Quinn had lit a few spliffs in their time but cocaine. That was next level. And Brittany, who was so sweet and charming, had this almost double life. She knew it changed everything for them, she just didn't know how yet.

That was why she was here, in a coffee shop by the theatre district, waiting for her friend to arrive. She needed to speak to someone, so she chose the only other person that knew her apart from Quinn.

She looked up as the door opened and closed and saw him. She couldn't help but smile, she hadn't seen her friend in a couple of weeks and she missed him.

"Hey Santana, I got your text, lucky for you, I'm on a lunch break now, so I have around an hour." Sebastian took off his designer coat and sat down. His perfectly coiffed hair and charismatic smile reminded Santana of just how charming her friend was. He knew Santana from when they were in Lima together. He went to an all-boys school across the way from her high school but Quinn, him and her all went to the same elementary school and they always maintained their friendship, even coming out to New York together. Sebastian moved in to an apartment and started auditioning for shows. He was currently in an off Broadway production but still found time to see his two best friends now and then.

"Hey…I got you a drink so…" Santana pushed the drink over to him and looked around. Now he was here, she didn't know how to start. Luckily for her, Sebastian knew her well enough to know something was on her mind, and maybe she needed a little push to get started.

"So, what's so urgent that you needed to see me? Quinn slap you again?" Santana chuckled at the memory of the big fight Quinn and her had once. She wished it was as simple as that really. She looked at him as her smile died.

"No, I uh. I met someone. And I really like her, like really, really like. And at first it was a little difficult because she wasn't really a relationship type and I get that. Because I'm hardly the best when it comes to feelings and stuff but, she's so worth the whole waiting thing. Anyway, we started to hang out more and see how it goes, give it some time you know." Sebastian nodded and urged his friend to continue, intrigued where this was going. He had never seen Santana so smitten before.

"And anyway, we've been texting and meeting up, as more than friends but less than dating. We haven't really kissed or anything, apart from when I first met her but we were both drunk and we hooked up." Santana took a breather, she didn't even know how to explain this, but she powered through and decided to bite the bullet.

"So, she texts me and tells me to come round hers today, so I did. And her flatmate let me in and told me he was going to wake her up. So he goes and I go to the bathroom. Except there she is in the bathroom, hunched over the toilet. Snorting cocaine."

Sebastian was silent for a minute. Totally shocked at his friend's story and the turn it had taken. "Well that escalated quickly."

Santana huffed "Sebastian, I'm fucking serious, I don't know what to do. She's texted me like twenty times wanting to meet up and explain and I don't fucking know what to do. I really like her but seriously, cocaine? And is it a one-time thing or is this some fucked up hobby she has?"

The pair sat in silence for a moment, both contemplating and lost in their respective thoughts.

"You know Santana; I think you already know what you want to do." Santana tried to cut him off but he held his hand up and continued "Wait a minute, let me explain. See you came to me instead of Quinn, even though she's your best friend and you know she would give it to you straight. You know she would say something like 'Fuck her Santana, she's bad news, don't see her again'" Santana chuckled at her friend's impression of Quinn and carried on listening, interested in where Sebastian was going with this.

"Yeah, so you know that that would be what Quinn would have to say on the matter. And if you agreed with her, you would have just gone to her, drunk some wine and bitched about this girl all night. But you didn't, you came to me. I can only guess that you thought I might be a bit more understanding or liberal than the holy one and tell you to give the girl a chance to explain. So that's why you came to me, so I can tell you what you want to hear. Which tells me that you already know what you want to do, you want to hear her out, get her to explain, because you're already in too deep with this girl and you like her a whole lot." Sebastian raised his eyebrow at the girl and sipped his coffee.

Santana mulled over his words. Deep down she knew he was right; she wanted to give Brittany the benefit of the doubt, because she fucking liked her. She was falling for her and she didn't want to cut her off. She knew what she wanted to do; she just wanted someone else to tell her to do it, so she knew that if she got hurt, she wouldn't have to blame herself. Seriously, fuck Sebastian and his all-knowing ass.

Santana glared at the man across from him, "Fine, you weasel prick, you're right, I want to see what she has to say for herself. Happy?"

Sebastian smirked back "Very."

"But I'm gonna let her sweat, for a bit. I need some time anyway, but I'm not crawling back to her. She needs to explain herself to me." Santana ranted, lost in her own speech, she didn't notice Sebastian laughing at her. He got up, left some money on the table and looked down at her.

"Whatever you say Satan, see you later." With that, he walked out of the shop, his work here was done.

Santana got up too, walking out into the city, she decided to use her free day to wander this concrete playground, and think more about what she wanted.

* * *

Brittany and Finn sat in silence, she didn't want to talk. How could she be so stupid as to do that, she was the one that invited Santana round for fucks sake. Stupid nightmares. She had just told Finn what happened, but he had yet to say anything.

"You know Britt, uhm; this is really like fucked up. What if you just stopped for a little while now?"

Brittany looked at her friend and sighed, he had a good heart, but he wasn't really the brightest spark, and that was coming from her. "Yeah thanks for the solid advice Finn, but it's not a case of stopping, I can stop. I just don't want to right now, it helps me so…"

Finn sighed, "So what did Puck say when he saw you?"

Brittany looked down, thoroughly upset at what had transpired after Santana had left, "He uh, he looked at me and didn't say anything. Just stared and then left, I heard the front door slam, so, he must've gone out somewhere. He hasn't been back since, and it's mature night tonight, so he must be at the club already setting up."

Finn looked at his watch, "Yeah we should probably head out soon too, it won't be that busy tonight anyway so it will be a bit more relaxed."

With that, the two got up and started to get ready for the night ahead. Brittany totally lost in her thoughts of how bad she fucked up this time and wondering how she can make this better. She looked at her phone, hoping that she got a text, but nothing popped up.

* * *

"Hey B, you look down, you aren't acting your usual self either." Sam looked to his fellow bartender who was pouring drinks without her usual vigour. She had decided not to take anything tonight, she was mad at the drug for causing all these problems, but she still wanted it so bad, maybe later she'd just take a bit to get her through the rest of the night.

She looked back at her friend, thoroughly put out by him "And how's that Sam? How do I usually act? Unemotionally available? Unable to change? Yeah, I know you let Santana know how I usually act and I'll say this to you, you guppy faced prick; stay out of my life and my love life. I get that you may still harbour some deep feelings for me since I rode you like a bull and showed you to the gates of heaven but get a fucking life. It's never gonna happen again and Mercedes is practically in love with you, plus Santana is the one I want, so leave us both the hell alone." With that Brittany stormed out behind the bar and into the staff room, leaving behind a flustered Sam, who was thoroughly put in his place.

She thundered into the staff room and looked around for her bag, her hands were trembling and she was sweating so much. She never even noticed Puck come in behind her until he stood next to her. She stopped her search and looked at her best friend, he was looking at her and she couldn't get a read on what he was thinking or feeling.

"Puc-"

Puck interrupted her "You high right now? Or you looking to get high? Is that what you're doing, scrambling around on your hands and knees? It's pathetic"

Brittany's heart stung at her friend's harsh tone. She couldn't understand why he was being so mean. "Puck I'm not high, earlier I just had a rough mon-"

"Yeah I get it B, a rough month, a rough year, a rough life. Guess what, we all have shit going on, but what you're doing right now, who you are, you're fucking everything up. I can't watch as you do this anymore B, but what am I meant to do? Strap you to the bed or kick you out? Fire you so you don't have any money? Do you know what I go through, huh? What about me and Finn? I've been texting Quinn, and we were meant to go on a date the other day, but I knew it would be hard for you because it's the anniversary so I said no and instead, I caught you popping god knows what and drinking straight tequila. You're ruining it all."

Brittany had tears rolling down her eyes as she watched her best friend, her brother cry as he spoke. She had never really seen Puck cry before, only once, three years ago.

"Puck I'm sorry, okay I'm sorry." Brittany was desperate as she apologised, she couldn't lose Puck and Finn too. She had lost nearly everything already.

"That's no good B. You can say you're sorry but it doesn't change anything. You might've lost the best thing that could ever have happened to you when Santana saw you like that today. That girl is totally head over heels for you, and from what Quinn tells me, she has never acted this way before. That's a good fucking thing there that you might've lost, all because you're playing the victim for something that firstly was three years ago and secondly wasn't even your fault. You can't keep doing this B."

At the mention of her playing the victim, Brittany's anger rose, she was livid at Puck "Fuck you Puck! Fuck you, you don't know anything. You don't know what I've been through, what I've had to live with for the last three years. I kil- No, fuck you. You don't know what it's like."

Puck pointed his finger at the girl in front of him, they were both full on sobbing at this point "No fuck you Brittany. I know everything. I know exactly what you've been through. I was the one who bought you home afterwards, I was the one that held you every night when you would cry and scream, I was the one who would put you in the bath and dress you because you wouldn't do it yourself. I gave you a job and a home. And I don't know what it's like? I know what it's like to lose someone Brittany because I'm watching it happen right now, I've been watching it happen for the last three years and I get it, the guilt you feel, because every day I think to myself, is it my fault? What am I doing wrong? You're not just destroying yourself Brittany, you're destroying everyone around you, Me, Finn and even Santana."

Brittany grabbed her friend's hand, crawling over to him, Puck's speech was making her heart collapse around her. She could feel her body crumbling and the hurt and pain was pulsating through her. This wasn't meant to happen.

"Puck I'm sorry, I love you okay. I love you so much and I love Finn too and Santana she's, she's so special and I know I'm falling for her and I'm so sorry please."

Puck grabbed her hand, and wiped his tears away with his other. He took a deep breath before he told Brittany what he was about to tell her. He didn't know how she would take this but she needed to know "Brittany, I love you too. So much, and Finn does and hell I bet Santana does. You're so easy to love Brittany. But this, this Brittany, the one who takes drugs and lies to her friends, I don't love. I don't love what you're doing. And you need help B, you need help and you need to see someone, because you're an addict. Brittany, you're a drug addict."

Brittany looked at her friend for a second. Processing what she was just told. She dropped his hand and stood up. A drug addict? No she wasn't. Why would he even say something like that? She was just going through some stuff, she wasn't addicted for Christ's sake. She stared at Puck, who was silently begging her, how fucking dare he judge and label her like that, she wasn't an addict.

She shook her head "I'm not an addict Puck. You're wrong, so fucking wrong. How could you even-" She took a breath and looked away "How can you even say that! Go fuck yourself." With that, she stormed out of the room, grabbing her coat and bag along the way and hauling herself up the stairs and out into the night.

Should she go home? Was it even her home anymore? Fuck that, she paid rent. She took off, thinking over what Puck had said. She was so mad at him for that. He was making such a big deal out of this.

She looked at her phone and stopped. Opening she read the message on the screen, reading the previous message she had sent first

_San, I just want to explain, I'm so sorry you saw that but please, meet with me so I can explain, please. xx_

She read the reply that had come through an hour ago

_Okay. Tomorrow at 12, I'm free. The park opposite my apartment. See you then._

She re-read the text, relaxing slightly. Santana wanted to meet. She had a chance to explain. She knew she had to be a little honest with Santana and let her in, she just didn't want Santana to hate her or anything, and she didn't want to mess this up. Maybe if she gave into her feelings. Santana had been waiting around for ages, it wasn't fair anymore. Maybe she was even falling harder than she thought for the Latina.

Brittany walked home, thinking over the possibilities of what tomorrow could bring.


	7. Chapter 7

**Again thanks for favouriting, reviewing and following this and my other story which is a Brittana western. Check it out if that's yo kinda thing. **

**Warning: Drug use**

**Keep reviewing if you like the story or have any opinions on the characters or plot etc**

**Peace **

Santana had wrapped up warm and was currently sipping from her coffee cup. She had been standing next to a tree in the park for five minutes, watching the figure on the bench by the lake. She smiled to herself as the girl threw pieces of bread to the group of ducks converged on the bank. Even they loved Brittany. She thought Brittany was so exquisite when she was oblivious to the attention lavished on her. When she was just herself without any bells and whistles.

Santana's smiled waned as she thought over why she was covertly standing here in the first place. She had been watching Brittany without the girl's knowledge because she wondered if this would be the last time she would get to look at her. She didn't know what she was going to say to the blonde, or what the blonde would say to her. She was so nervous, she just wished things between her and Brittany could be uncomplicated, she liked this girl so much.

She sighed and walked over to the bench. As she sat down, Brittany looked up and gave her a hesitant smile, not sure how to greet her properly. They were both painfully aware of how their last meeting went.

Brittany knew that Santana wanted and deserved an explanation of what she saw. And Brittany wanted to be more open with this girl; she felt more for her than she had ever felt for anybody, and that scared her more than anything. There was just so much to lose.

"Hi San, I was just feeding the duckies here. It, erm, it always reminds me of when I was younger." Santana smiled at the girl, she didn't want to go on the attack, so she decided to make small talk for a while.

"Did you grow up around here?" Brittany grinned and gave half of the rest of the bread to Santana, the two started to feed the ducks together.

"Yeah, New York born and raised Baby." Brittany threw up a fist and Santana chuckled at the girl's antics. Brittany swallowed quickly before continuing, knowing that she was taking a big step in talking about her past with Santana. "I lived near the upper east side. Finn, his family lived next to ours so we've known each other since we were like six. Actually, Kurt is his half-brother, he came a little later on and he hung out with us sometimes too. We all went to the same school and on the first day me and Finn met Noah. We're twenty three now and the three of us have been inseparable ever since."

Santana listened with rapt attention. She was thrilled she was getting to know more about Brittany. She wanted to know everything about her so she took every piece of information the girl was giving her and stored it away. "So do your parents still live here?"

Brittany stiffened slightly and stopped throwing the bread. She looked out onto the lake. She knew she had to be truthful, but she didn't want to get into this.

"Kinda." Santana noticed the change, and noticed how short Brittany's response was. She was desperate to ask or get the girl to elaborate, but knew that it was too risky.

Brittany found herself wanting to know more about Santana and thought that it was acceptable to ask, seeing as the brunette had asked about her. "How about you San? You from the city?"

"No actually, Quinn and I are from Ohio. Small town called Lima. My parents are still there but when we graduated, we wanted out as fast as possible along with our friend Sebastian. We all needed a new start and so we both got into NYU and here we are. First year was great and now we're both in our second year and we live together. Can't get much better than that!"

"So you and Quinn are best friends?" Brittany asked.

Santana couldn't help but smile at the thought of her best friend. Sure they've had some rough patches, but it just made them closer in the end. "Yeah, met her in middle school. She was new and they made me take her around the school. We didn't like each other at first, even in high school there was a rivalry. We were both cheerleaders and she got head cheerleader which I didn't like but…looking back, Quinn is the perfect leader."

Brittany was hanging on Santana's every word, drinking in the story and imagining Santana back in high school. She wondered how short her cheerleading skirt was but shook the images away quickly and went back to listening. "Anyway, Quinn went through some heavy stuff with her parents and she needed a place to stay. She didn't really have anyone but me so I let her stay and we got closer. Instead of competing against each other, we got along and were unstoppable really. We could be real bitches but we've grown up a lot. I was outed in high school, and it was horrible. But Quinn, she was there for me every step of the way. That girl, she's my sister for sure." Santana wanted Brittany to know about her, to know who she was and who she is now. She has grown up a lot in the last two years of high school because of what she and Quinn went through.

Brittany enjoyed hearing about how close Santana and Quinn were. She thought it paralleled her and Puck and Finn. She didn't like hearing about what had happened to Santana. She realised that she didn't like the idea of Santana experiencing any pain. But wasn't that what she was doing to the girl too? Brittany's heart lurched at the thought.

Santana sighed during the silence. She had relished in just having a normal conversation with Brittany, but knew it was time to get to the whole reason they were meeting in the first place. Her heart was beating wildly and her palms were sweating, but she knew she had to get some answers.

"So Britt." Brittany turned in her seat, knowing that with the serious tone Santana was using, it was time to have the serious conversation she had come here for. She couldn't lose this girl. "What I saw, what was that B?"

Brittany ran her tongue along her teeth, contemplating what answer she could give. She knew she couldn't outright lie, and she didn't want to. But at the same time, she just couldn't give everything away, she wasn't ready. And telling her all the painful secrets of her past would just make the Latina hate her. That was just as painful to imagine.

"Firstly, San, I am so very sorry for what happened. That you had to see that makes me so upset. And what you did see…well. I went through some shit a couple of years ago, and around this time of year, I find it hard to do anything but remember. I miss my family a lot and get quite down, so I do what you saw. It's just been such a hard month and I did that because I had a nightmare. I don't really do it much at all; it's just around this time of year, it's all in my control." Brittany finished her speech, knowing that she had omitted some facts, but she gave Santana the basic outline. She tried reading what the younger girl was thinking but couldn't quite make out if she was mad or not.

Santana took in everything the blonde had said. She wondered what it was that Brittany had gone through. It must be pretty bad for the blonde to feel like she needed to snort coke to function. She had so many questions, but one was more important than the rest.

"So you're not like, addicted or anything?"

Brittany tensed once again at the question. The earlier argument with Puck running through her head. She knew she could stop at any time, she just didn't want to. "No San, it's not an addiction, I'm not an addict. You just caught me at a bad moment, and I regret that so much because… because I like you. I really like you Santana, more than I've ever liked anyone before."

Santana grinned internally. She hadn't heard such a heartfelt confession before, and from Brittany no less. She thought over what Brittany had said, and knew that whatever the blonde had gone through, it must have been really serious. She still didn't like the idea of Brittany doing that, but was glad it didn't seem to be a regular occurrence. She really liked the girl too, so she thought that she could deal with this small blip.

"It wasn't nice to see Brittany; I'm not going to lie. But I really like you too. I have ever since you first spoke to me at the party. I just, I'm not comfortable with the whole, you know, thing." Santana was unable to word what she saw, she didn't want to say it and put it out there, even though they were both present for the ordeal.

Brittany grabbed the girl's hand a stroked circles around the palm. She revelled in the touch. She was desperate to make everything right. "I know, I know. But honestly, it was a slip on my part, one that I sincerely regret. I'm working through everything but meeting you, you have to know, that I'm crazy about you. When I get sad sometimes, I think of you and that dimple you have, and the way you put your tongue between your teeth when you smile and I know I said I'm not good with feelings but honestly I don't care about the what ifs."

Santana's heart was beating a mile a minute at the confession. She couldn't help but beam at Brittany. She was so happy right now, and was so glad that the drug use didn't seem to be a serious issue.

"Santana? Would you…" Brittany took a big breath; here goes nothing "would you, maybe, go on a date? With me. Sometime." Santana snickered at how the girl could go from smooth talker to a nervous mess and found even that to be endearing. She was elated at the way this afternoon had gone.

"Yes. I would love to."

* * *

That night Brittany lay on the pull out couch, she was thrilled that Santana didn't hate her. She knew she would have to be more open with the brunette if the date went well, but all in good time. She was so glad that everything went well. She was planning the date all day after Santana had left the park to get to class. She thought over everything and knew she couldn't afford to mess this up.

She felt her hand trembling and closed it into a tight fist. No. She didn't need anything tonight. She told Santana she had it under control and she did.

She thought back again to Puck. She hadn't seen him since; they had been avoiding each other. She was still so pissed at him. God he was more dramatic than Rachel and Kurt during the big karaoke disaster of last year.

She took off her tank top as she had already sweated through it. She was fine, Brittany thought. Maybe if she just took the two pills in her bag. Just to help her relax and sleep. Two was fine. It wasn't like it was anything bad. She just didn't want to have a nightmare tonight and Quaaludes always helped.

Brittany got up and rummaged through her bag; she found and popped the two pills. She didn't even need water anymore, that's how much of a pro she was. She fist pumped herself for the achievement and layed back down. She thought of how close she was today to telling Santana more about her past. More about Daisy. She knew she would have to eventually; the Latina must have some questions for her. But it was still so hard to talk about, to even think about.

Brittany let a few tears slip; she felt the effect of the drugs taking place and smiled to herself through her tears. She could still feel her heart breaking as one memory turned into two which turned into a replay of what had happened. She started sobbing to herself, silently so she wouldn't wake the boys. She didn't need them to see her like this again. She was spinning and felt dizzy, her muscles tensing and relaxing as her memories and the drugs went against each other, fighting for control. She was getting seriously disorientated as her body went into an overdrive of emotions.

Brittany curled slightly, sobbing into the closed fist around her mouth. Daisy. Santana. Daisy. Santana. Both were swirling around her head.

"I'm so sorry. So sorry. Daisy. Please. I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Please. Santana. Santana I'm sorry." Brittany was rocking and muttering to herself whilst tears escaped down her cheeks. She was so overcome with so many different feelings.

The drugs had taken their full effect now and exhausted her out. She would never know that Puck found her the next day, curled slightly into a ball, with her hand by her mouth and dried tear tracks down her eyes. Tear tracks that matched his own as he kissed her on the forehead and left the apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the reviews, favs and follows. It's gonna get a little more heartbreaking for the two, what with the date next chapter and Brittany's impending struggle with her addiction, whilst Santana doesn't even realise how deep this goes.**

**Please keep reviewing if you like the story or you wanna see anything.**

**Peace**

**Warnings: Mentions of drugs, language**

Brittany strolled into the studio, a large gym bag hanging off one strap. Her baggy clothes and worn trainers gave away what she was here to do. She went over to the tall boy standing by the sound system, near the front of the room. He turned when she plonked her bag down by the mirrors and smiled widely when he saw who it was.

"Hey Britt, haven't seen you in around two months. Where you been?" The boy's booming voice filled the room, this was his command centre.

"Matt! Been busy, Puck's club is still going strong and I'm in demand baby, what can I say. I'm back now and better than ever!" Brittany held her arms out wide, grinning widely. She knew she was charming, and Matt was just one more person under her spell. She looked at her friend; it was always a little painful to be around him. He was the future that she should've had.

Matt Rutherford was one of New York's hottest up and coming choreographers. He graduated Juilliard a year ago and had set up his studio straight away, getting in guest dance instructors and providing choreography for some big names. He was storming through the scene and he wasn't bad on the eyes either. He was a little darker than Puck and just as muscled. He had a great smile that crinkled his eyes and made him appear to be the friendliest guy in the world. And he was. When Brittany had met when they were both eighteen and living in the same dorm hall.

Both wide eyed and bright smiles, they had captured the awe and rapture of both students and teachers alike. Their skill set unmatched in their classes, they were truly two of the best that the instructors at that school had seen in a while. Matt had always held a soft spot for Brittany, but had never been able to work up the courage to ask the girl out. He was intimidated by her and the reputation that followed her around. Brittany Pierce – killer dancer and heartbreaker to boys and girls alike. She loved to flirt and she loved to be life and soul of any party. He could never compete with the numerous people vying for her attention.

"Yeah, I've read the reviews Britt. When they write about the smoking hot blonde from the basement room who people would throw their knickers at, I thought to myself, I wonder who could arouse such adoration? But of course, the one and only. You look different, how's the shoulder?" Matt turned around to the sound system again, missing the darkness that flashed across Brittany's face at mention of her shoulder. She hadn't been here in a while because it was just too agonising to remember how different her future could have gone, if it wasn't ripped away from her.

"It's fine" she said tightly, not that Matt seemed to notice "I just came to loosen up, I've got work tonight, and I'm planning on asking a lovely lady to accompany me tonight. I just can't seem to get enough of her, even though we have a date tomorrow. She's something else Matt." She knew the effect the words would have on Matt. She knew how he still held onto some of the feelings from four years ago, but she wanted to twist the knife in, for bringing up her injury that had plagued her so. She briefly wondered who she had become. To purposely hurt her friend like that. She hadn't even planned on asking Santana there tonight, but now she rather liked the idea of seeing the Latina again. Even if that would mean a sober night.

Matt said a small okay at the plans Brittany had told him. He decided to head to his office, wanting to get away from the girl for whom he would always be captivated by. He didn't really recognise Brittany that much anymore, the lightness had died out along with the dreams they used to hold onto together.

Brittany plugged her iPod in and started her workout. Dancing freely and adding moves in that she remembered from her limited time at Juilliard. She would never get over her love of dance, no matter how much she sometimes wished she would. At least then the what ifs wouldn't cross her mind everytime she came down here and danced.

* * *

She had danced for over an hour, before she realised that she needed to shower and change before she headed to the club. She still had not seen Puck since that night and realised that tonight would probably be the night she would. But with her plans to see her Santana there, she didn't really care at this point. She picked up her phone and tapped the message icon.

_Hey San, I hope you had a great day today. Now I know I told you that the date was in a whole five days' time and it still is, but I just miss seeing your face and I would like it very much if you would come to the club with Quinn tonight. I'll save you a spot right in the middle of my work station, and it means I get to look at you anytime I want :P xx_

Brittany re-read the text and press send. She wanted to reassure the girl she would only have eyes for her tonight, but didn't want to bring up the whole jealousy thing that had happened the first and only time Santana had come to the club.

She gathered her things together and walked out of the studios, not bothering to find Matt and say goodbye. She briefly felt another huge pile of guilt weigh heavy on her shoulders. She wondered if even a year ago, she would've shot a dagger through her friend's heart just because he wondered about her health. She pushed the thought away as quickly as it came, unable to deal with anymore negativity right now. She had to make herself look good for her girl tonight.

* * *

Santana looked down at the text as she took a small break in the staff room of the coffee shop she worked at. She felt joyous at how Brittany couldn't get enough of her, but at the same time hesitant. She wanted to see Brittany tonight, but she didn't want to see all the people that Brittany would flirt with tonight. Or would she? Was Santana not giving the girl enough credit? She decided to take the risk, the need to see the blonde again overwhelming any arguments about not going tonight.

_Sure Britt Britt, I'll be there, my seat better still be saved when I get there xx_

She sent the message and then facepalmed. Britt Britt? Really? Jesus Santana, you're nineteen years old, not twelve. Get it together. She got up and went back to work, her shift lasting only an hour more, whilst she planned her outfit in her head. She needed to look good for her girl.

* * *

The bass was thumping and Brittany felt alive. She was completely sober and was dancing around as she poured drinks for the customers. Only Mercedes was with her for now, Sam was coming to takeover for Brittany when her shift was up in three hours. It was a short one tonight. Mercedes had told her that Puck had gone over to New Jersey, where his mom had relocated sometime ago, and wouldn't be back for another five days. Well that was okay by her. Nothing was bringing her down tonight.

"Sorry dude, spots reserved. Can't stand there." Brittany held her hand out to the man who had stood in her eyeline. She had been sending people away from that area since she got here two hours ago. She knew Quinn should be starting her shift in around fifteen minutes so Santana should be here soon. She sat on the stool she had dragged out from the back, planning on putting it out for Santana when she got here. She took a small sip of her cap n coke. She was sober, but she still needed a little something to take the edge of. Not too much, but just enough.

She scanned the room once again, taking no notice of the admiring glances she received from a few men and women who had heard of the beauty of the basement bartender. She was, hopefully, taken soon, so sorry guys but no can do.

She spotted a small girl trying to make her way through the crowd and stood up abruptly. Her eyes were dancing as Santana made her way to the spot right in front of the blonde, smiling shyly as she noticed that the spot was indeed, saved for her. She tucked a strand behind her ear as Brittany shot her outfit an appreciative glance.

"San! You're here! I got you this, here sit…" Brittany held the stool up and leaned over to hand it to Santana. Santana melted at the other girl's care. Brittany was an absolute sweetheart. "I'll get you a drink, what would you like?"

Santana sat and tapped the bar with her fingers "Surprise me, non-alcoholic though please." Brittany nodded and discreetly threw her drink away. She didn't want to be drinking whilst Santana didn't. Even though she kinda needed a little pick me up right now. But she pushed the thoughts aside and promised herself that tonight, she was all Santana's. She threw together a drink for the girl and slid it towards her.

She checked to see if anyone needed drinks and patted Santana's hand before rushing towards the end, mixing drinks haphazardly as she raced to get back to the girl. She leaned back over and grabbed Santana's hands. The smaller girl looked up, into those blue eyes that she fell in love with as soon as she saw them. Woah. Hold the phones. Fell in love with? Jesus Santana, go out on a date with her first.

They just sat, suspended in time, and stared at each other, smiling softly, never feeling awkward or silly for being so lost in each other. That was until Mercedes came over and interrupted the pair, smiling at Santana and staring pointedly from Brittany to the wall of the bar, where the drinks were stocked. Brittany told Santana she would be right back and followed the diva, thoroughly annoyed she was being pulled away from the girl.

"God 'cedes, do you mind?"

"Don't even Britt, save your words. I come in peace" Brittany rolled her eyes as Mercedes threw up the peace sign "that redhead. Remember? Ally, or Annie, or Abby? She's been staring at you for the past twenty minutes. Thought you oughta know." Mercedes shrugged and walked off.

Brittany's jaw dropped as she spotted that Abigail, staring at her from way down the bar. Shit. What was she going to do. SHIT. Why was she walking over to Santana?

Brittany sped down the bar, pushing Mercedes out of the way, ignoring the "hell to the nawww" thrown her way. She skidded to a stop as she heard the end of Abigail's sentence to a confused looking Santana.

"-you know Brittany? Did she pull you up here too, give you four orgasms and then never call again?"

Santana frowned, looking from Brittany to the girl. Brittany was frozen. This was it. Her last chance and she was going to lose the Latina, without ever really having her in the first place. Santana opened her mouth and Brittany prepared herself for the sting of hurt that would surely rip through her chest when Santana spoke.

"Listen here, you ginger shitfuck. I don't know you, but more importantly, you don't know me, which means that I'm gonna have to tell you right now, if you don't take your trashy ass and get the fuck out mine and Britts' face, I will cut you." Santana glared at the girl and Brittany was so fucking scared and turned on and relieved. All at the same time. She felt like she could have a heart attack, an orgasm and piss her panties all at once.

Abigail looked completely shocked, this was not how she was planning on that going. She grabbed her bag and almost sprinted out of the basement. Santana turned her body and faced Brittany, eyebrows raised. Mercedes sniggered to the left of her. She liked this one.

Brittany held up her hands and tried to do damage control. She did not want to be on the end of what she just saw "Santana, please. She was someone I slept with before I even met you. Obviously it meant nothing and I only want you and I promise I didn't know she'd be there. Please don't leave me." She grabbed Santana's hands and clutched them for dear life.

Santana's eyes widened at the scared tone Brittany had right now. She couldn't help but melt a little more at how scared Brittany seemed of the thought that Santana was going to leave her. And she didn't miss the little admittance of Brittany only wanting her. Santana clutched back, just as tight.

"Britt, listen to me honey, I'm not leaving you. And I get it, we all have a past, but Brittany, I don't care if you slept with everybody in the city. Actually wait backtrack. I would kind of care if it was everybody but…" Brittany giggles at Santana's little joke "Britt, I'm not going to leave you for you past, I just want the present and the future with you. And only you."

Brittany absolutely died and went to heaven at what Santana had just said. Could this girl be any more perfect or amazing or perfectly amazing? She knew Santana probably wouldn't say that if she knew half of it. What the hell was she doing with someone like Brittany? God she did not want to ruin this girl, but felt like it was inevitable.

She took her hands back when she felt them tremble slightly. She swallowed, her throat was dry and she could really use some tequila right now. Or some coke. But Santana was here. She could sneak away. But Santana would notice. Would she though? Don't mess this up Brittany. It's only a little bit, no one would be any wiser. No, not tonight. Soon then. Fine. When? Tomorrow. Okay.

Brittany came out of her internal debate, thinking over tomorrow. Tomorrow sounded like a great day. She looked back at Santana and was overcome with the emotion bursting. She felt like she was going to explode. Everything was magnified as she zeroed in on those pouty, full lips. She didn't want to rush things, but honestly, those lips were nearly as addictive as crack and Brittany had only had a very small dose of them.

She leaned over the bar as Santana watched, mystified at what the girl was doing, until she felt a hand cup her cheek and automatically looked down to Brittany's lips. Those lips could send men to war.

They both zeroed in on their targets as their eyes fluttered closed. Their lips touched, very softly, and they stood like that, neither moving to deepen the kiss. It wasn't the right time for things like that. They just savoured the light touch of each other, oblivious to the crowd club around them.

It was just them two.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for the reviews, favs and follows. I hope people are still reading this because from here on out it's going to get real serious and at times heartbreaking. **

**Warnings: Drug use, mentions of suicide, sexual references**

**Keep reviewing if you are still reading and enjoying this story**

"_Hey B" Puck walked into his room, where his blonde friend was lying under the covers, where she had been lying under the covers for twenty three hours now. He sat down by her side and stroked the blonde hair peeking out of the duvet._

"_You need to get up B; we were going to visit her today." Puck didn't stop his ministrations as he waited for Brittany to do something._

"_I can't" The blonde whispered out, her voice hoarse after days of not using it._

"_You need to; I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. I don't want to force feed you or wash your hair or hold you through every nightmare. I can't watch you give up on yourself and I can't let this drag you down. Because that's what's going to happen Baby B." Puck was pleading with his friend, trying so hard not to cry and scream. _

"_Then don't do it anymore. And it's too late; I gave up the day I awoke in that hospital room. I don't want to do this anymore Puck. I don't want to be here. "_

_Puck stopped stroking his hair, he thought he knew what Brittany was trying to say, but he desperately didn't want to be right. "What are you saying? Brittany, what are you saying?"_

_There was a beat of silence before he heard the most heart breaking voice "I want to die. I should be dead. Please don't keep me alive anymore."_

* * *

"_Come on, come on, pick up you pair of pricks." Puck muttered to himself as he held the phone to his ear. _

_He heard the beep tone, signalling his call had gone to voicemail and slammed it down on the table in frustration. He had been trying the number for whole month now with Britt's phone, his phone, Finn's phone and even once he tried Rachel's phone. No answer._

"_Nothing again then?" Puck looked over to his friend sitting on the sofa. He sighed and shook his head._

"_I don't know what to do Finn. I mean I told you what she said the other day. She literally told me she wanted to die. She's given up, and I have no idea what to do. And they won't even answer the phone. We're all she has, and I just feel like we're letting her down. What if something happens?"_

_The two boys looked at each other, deep in the knowledge that their friend needed help before it was too late._

* * *

"_So Brittany, thank you for coming here today." The woman sitting across from Brittany crossed her legs. Her notepad was against her knee and she had her glasses halfway down her nose, peering over the top at the girl in front of her._

_Brittany grunted, "Didn't have a choice, fucking Puck."_

"_Why do you say that? Puck is your friend yes? He was the one that found you, that called the hospital and stayed with you?" She wrote some notes down and looked at her patient again. She had greasy blonde hair and was wearing an old pair of sweatpants with what appeared to be dance camp T-shirt on. _

"_Yep, the very same. And because maybe I didn't want to be found." She scratched at the bandages on her wrists. How was it that she couldn't even end her own life?_

* * *

"_Hey Britt what did you want for din-" Puck walked into his bedroom, where he had given it up for his friend whilst she recovered. He saw her applying the finishing touches to her make up. "Whoa, where are you going?"_

_Brittany rolled her eyes at her friend and grabbed her shoes. "Out. With a friend. I won't be home late, maybe."_

_Since Puck had found Brittany in the bathroom two months ago, the blonde had stopped her bed ridden state and had entered the 'let's get fucked up and party like it's 1999' phase. She had been going to weekly sessions with her doctor, but had also been going out nearly three times every week. Sometimes even four or five. _

_Puck felt like his Mohawk was going to fall out with worry. He had been through so much these last few months, and finding his friend the way he did two months ago had broken his heart into a million pieces. He was pretty sure the vision of that night would never leave him._

"_Well, just, be safe please. And text me when you get there. And when you're on your way home. Or I can come and get you?"_

_Brittany internally sighed. She knew he was just be protective and she was so grateful for that, but she was being smothered a lot recently._

_She looked at the mohawked man. The man that had technically saved her life, even if she didn't think she had much of one. She owed him more than she would ever be able to repay. Since that night she hadn't thought of trying anything else. She still hated herself and some days, dying was all she could think about, but she now knew how much pain it would cause Puck and Finn and her other friends and didn't want to put them through any pain. She couldn't ruin anyone else .She could get shitfaced as much as possible though, it helped her forget._

"_Sure Puck, come get me around two, if that's ok. And I'll text you the address. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Love you." With that, Brittany kissed her friend on the cheek and swept out of the room._

_That was the night that Brittany had met Hunter._

* * *

Brittany was getting desperate. In the last five days since she last saw Santana, she had been visiting Hunter and hanging around his for most of the day, wanting to stay clear of Puck and Finn whilst she was high. She knew they would have something to say about it. She'd been sitting on a dirty mattress in Hunter's garage whilst he was in another world after chasing the dragon.

She laid on her back, looking at the garage ceiling. Just thinking. The great thing about being high, apart from being high, was that she could remember certain things that would otherwise kill her inside. She could remember her childhood, her time at Juilliard and her family without any of it hurting.

She didn't even realise she was laughing until Hunter had started to join in with her. She abruptly stopped when she saw Santana in front of her. She smiled at the beautiful mirage, which smiled back, dimples showing and tongue in between her teeth, just the way Brittany liked. She knew she had to get this under control, especially if Santana was going to be in her life. And she would. She could stop anytime really.

She thought back to her first year of knowing Hunter, and getting into this life. She would snort a line here or there, usually at the club when she first started and needed to get through the nights, not used to the pattern. She would have a few pills here and there when she found it hard to sleep. She was still more into getting wasted at the club, pouring drink after drink for herself.

As soon as she started at the club, she had regularly slept with many customers and some of the people who worked there, gaining back her old reputation as a heartbreaker when she would never call them again. Some habits were hard to break.

The first year anniversary of when everything in her life turned to shit, now that was a crazy night. She had mixed drugs and alcohol and spent the whole day out of her mind, just like she had planned.

She had started mixing up drugs more and more after that. She realised how much pain her body was in when she was sober and how it all ebbed away when she got high. And then the pain would come back even harder, and so would the highs. She drifted through the whole year in a fog, not really sure what was real and what wasn't.

That was also the year that she had started sleeping around with Puck. They were both high from a day of smoking weed. That was only the drug Puck really did. He had dabbled with Brittany sometimes into the world of cocaine but it just wasn't for him. They had looked at each other and in that moment, they both knew what was going to happen. They both enjoyed it, and knew it meant nothing more than friends who needed a little comfort in each other. So they hooked up whenever it suited them after that. Finn, well that was just a massive mistake that Brittany had tried to blot out ever since.

She thought back to her friend. He knew that Brittany had experimented with various substances, but it wasn't until around half a year ago when he realised how bad it had gotten. She was pretty good at hiding stuff from him, but when she hadn't turned up to the club for a three days and only receiving one, very hard to understand text from the girl, he had travelled round to all their friends, finding her zoned out on Matt's couch. She was so incoherent and could hardly stand, so he hoisted her over his shoulder and bought her home.

She got such a lecture for that.

After that, Puck had tried hard to limit her drug use, or to try and catch her out. To make her feel guilty or whatever. He didn't get it. He didn't get how much it helped, how much she liked it. She didn't understand why she should stop. She didn't have anything going for her, so why shouldn't she just enjoy her life to the fullest.

So into her third year, and it had gradually got more intense. She had been introduced to heroin through smoking and she had enjoyed it a lot. Well that was an understatement, it was fucking great. She had also been doing more unsavoury things for a high. She didn't manage to scrape together enough money one month and Hunter had given her an ultimatum, suck his dick or no high.

It was kind of scary how quickly Brittany had decided.

She had felt horrible afterwards, but she quickly forgot all her troubles when she got her desired hit.

After that, she had done that a few more times when money was tight, she never scrimped on rent so that Puck couldn't say shit to her, and she was safe in the knowledge that she had sex with Hunter to fall back on if she couldn't afford a hit.

She hadn't done heroin since that night that Hunter had injected it for the first time, but she couldn't help but think about it a lot. The high was so intense and she had never felt so good about herself.

She sighed and came out of her back to the future moment. She started humming Johnny B Goode as she sat up and dug through her pockets for her phone. No messages, and she should be getting home soon, she had the night off tomorrow for her date so she needed to head to the club.

She had done so well the other day when she hadn't taken anything. And she had enjoyed dancing. Maybe she should get back into that. After all this was over.

She checked how much money she had left in her pockets and squeezed her eyes shut as she realised that she had just spent the last of it tonight. At least she still had some left for her date tomorrow.

She smiled to herself and thought of Santana and climbed over Hunter, not even sparing him a backwards glance and she walked into the darkness and disappeared.

* * *

She grabbed her coat from the staff room, another night at the club finished. She hadn't taken anyone out back for a private party since Abigail, she thinks, so she was pretty proud of herself for that. She was already making great strides to being good enough for her Santana.

"Hey B" She spun around, and saw there her best friend, scratching his neck and looking completely out of place.

"Puck" She was startled. She hadn't seen him since the blowout and wasn't sure how this was going to go. He was blocking the door and so she was caged in.

"You've got your date tonight haven't you? Quinn told me…"

Brittany nodded "Yeah, thanks…for the night off."

Puck looked up and smiled softly. He went over to her and wrapped her up in his embrace. She stiffened for a second before relaxing into him. She never realised how much she missed her brother until she was in his arms.

He stepped back and smiled at her. "Come on, breakfast is on me. I bet Joe has missed us."

They walked out of the back door, with Brittany looping her arm through Puck's as they walked down the street together, no more words were needed between the two.


	10. Chapter 10

**Alright! Date night!**

**Thanks for the follows and reviews and favs. Keep reviewing and reading!**

**These next few chapters are like the calm before the storm. This is a real cute Brittana chapter so enjoy!**

**Warning: mild drug references, drug use**

Brittany had been up for two hours now. She had hardly slept since coming home, she was so nervous for her date later tonight. She didn't want to mess anything up, she wanted Santana to enjoy herself, she didn't want to let Santana down, she wanted to make sure it was a great first date. She had so many conflicting thoughts in her head she just couldn't concentrate. That was why she was now on her balcony, with Finn, smoking.

"Hey Britt?" Finn turned slowly to his friend. Brittany turned down the music from their speaker and faced the boy. "Do you think if…" Finn took a big sigh. "If we didn't know each other, would we be friends?"

Brittany looked at her friend for a moment. "The question is, if we were friends, would we know each other?"

Finn gasped and covered his mouth. He shook his head back and forth slowly, looked at the sky and then looked down. "Dear God woman, you're on something there."

Brittany sprang up and looked at her seat, frantically searching around and underneath it. "What!? What am I on?! Am I resting on Laurel again? That sneaky bastard." Brittany sat back down with a huff and turned the music back on, planning over her date one more time in her head.

"Britt."

She sighed and faced Finn again.

"Can you believe that we are here. In New York?"

"Finn, we all come from New York. We've lived here our whole lives, so yeah, I can." Brittany laughed at her friend's puzzled face.

"No, I know. I mean, like, we could've been born anywhere. Like I don't know, a poor place or a place where we weren't allowed to be who we are. Don't you think we're lucky?"

Brittany didn't understand what her friend was getting at but had to agree, there were worst places she could've been born. "Yeah, we are lucky Finn. Me, you and Puck are all lucky."

Finn nodded and thought for a moment. "Hey Britt, do you ever wonder about our loved ones. Like do you think my dad and Daisy are looking down at us, guiding us?"

Brittany stared at Finn. He never mentioned his dad much, but Brittany knew Finn thought often of the man he never knew.

"Yeah Finn, they're there." Brittany knew Finn would find comfort in this, but she half-hoped she was wrong. She didn't want Daisy to see her like this. She moved her thoughts away before they could become more damaging. "He'd be proud of you Finn. I'm proud of you."

Finn beamed and finished the joint. "Thanks B." Finn turned serious as he took in his best friend. He was a little slow, but even he knew what was going on. Brittany had changed, and he missed his friend. He put his hand on her knee. "We're going to get you through this B."

Brittany was too shocked to say anything. Finn had never really addressed the whole situation, but at that moment she felt as if she had sorely underestimated her friend. And she had also realised that maybe, Finn had just told her something that she never knew she needed to hear until that point.

* * *

"San!"

"San!"

"Santana!"

Santana groaned and rolled out of bed. She had been studying late last night so she could have tonight off for her date. "What?"

Quinn walked into her room, fully dressed and immaculate as always. Santana frowned at her friend for her intrusion. Her hair was wild and untamed and she had remnants of yesterday's makeup smeared over her face.

Quinn smiled. "Just wondered if you were up is all."

Santana groaned and threw herself back on her bed, covering her whole body and head with the duvet. "Bitch."

Quinn chuckled and sat by the lump which was Santana. She started stroking what she hoped to be her friend's back. "So…"

Santana flipped the covers away from her face and glared at the girl. "So what?"

"So you have your date tonight."

Santana smiled and got lost in the memory of her charming blonde. "Yeah."

Quinn rolled her eyes as Santana went into a daze. She had never seen her so besotted with somebody before and they hadn't even gone on a date yet. She laid down on the bed and looked at the ceiling. "Do you ever sit and wonder at how far we've come San? From bitchy cheerleaders to lost souls to hard workers who got out of Lima and now…now we are in New York City. We have the whole world at her feet and you've got a date with someone you clearly like a lot and I've been texting Puck a lot. It just feels too good to be true sometimes, you know?" Quinn turned her head to look at the Latina, who furrowed her brows in thought.

"No one is going to take this away from us Quinn, okay? We deserve this." Santana took Quinn's hand and squeezed. "We've done some bad things, we've had bad things happen to us, but Quinn, us, here in New York…we did that." Santana reached over and wiped a lone tear that had strayed down Quinn's cheek and looked back up. "Anyway, do you want me to get my guitar and we can sing 'He's got the whole world in his hands' together?"

Quinn slapped Santana's arm as the smaller girl burst out laughing, cackling at her own very witty and sarcastic comment. They savoured each other's company as they got lost in their own thoughts of the past, the present, and what their futures could hold.

* * *

Brittany's leg was bouncing with nerves as she sat on Puck's bed. She was sitting with her phone pressed to her ear, whilst she bit her nails on the other hand. The phone dialling tone stopped and a woman's voice came through the speaker.

"Hello?"

Brittany straightened up. "He-hello? Mrs Rutherford? It's me Brittany. I was just wondering if Blaine and Mike came round."

"Oh Brittany hi! Yes, yes they did and I have to say my garden has never looked better. I'm just leaving now and the key is under the mat. I'm staying the night at my friend Marlene's house so don't worry about being too long. You have fun now dear and I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye Mrs Rutherford and thank you so much." Brittany said her goodbyes to the lady and hung up the phone. She had known Matt's mother for as long as she had known Matt. He came from Bay Ridge in Brooklyn and his mother had taken a liking to the blonde dancer who she thought looked after her boy. Brittany had seen her as a mother figure during her time at Juilliard and still kept in contact with the woman. Matt's father had died when he was a boy and Mrs Rutherford could get lonely at times, so Brittany made sure to call often.

She got up off the bed and walked into the lounge area, where Puck and Finn were chilling on the sofa with a beer, watching the football. Puck looked up as Brittany entered and winked. "Yo hot mama! Looking mighty fine Baby B, Santana is a lucky Latina lady." Brittany's cheeks heated up as she gave him a smile and rolled his eyes. "So, are you taking my car?"

Brittany froze slightly, staring wide eyed at her friend whilst she vehemently shook her head. "No. No Puck I can't, I just…I can't"

Puck realised his friend was freaking out at his suggestion and jumped off the couch, gathering her in his arms. "Okay, yeah okay Britt, I'm sorry. I'll drive you then."

Brittany looked up at the man with confusion across her face. "No Puck, I'm taking the subway, it's fine."

Puck chuckled out. "Britt, be real. It's like an hour away, there's no way you can take Santana on a date and let her ride the piss-ridden subway for an hour. I thought I taught you how to be a lady killer better than that. I'll take you, visit some friends and pick you up after. Or if you want to stay over, then just let me know."

Brittany gave a soft smile to her best friend and kissed his cheek, whispering a quiet "thanks" in his ear and getting her phone from her pocket.

**Hey San. Just writing to ask if you had anywhere you needed to be tomorrow? Xx**

"You don't think it's too soon to be having a sleepover do you?"

Finn looked up and shook his head. "Does it feel soon to you?" Brittany shook her head. "Everyone goes at their own pace. Just get her to make a bag up and ask her. Simple as that. Just keep communicating with her."

Brittany and Puck stared wide eyed at Finn. Since when did he become the great all knowing? Brittany was about to respond when her phone vibrated.

**Nope, I can be out as late as you want. I have an evening class and I'm not working tomorrow. Why? Xx**

**Well, it would be easier to spend the night when we get to the date and I was hoping to spend as much time with you as possible too, so if you want, you can pack an overnight bag. If you don't then don't worry. I can't wait to see you. I'll be there in like 10 minutes.**

"Okay, come on then Puck."

Puck and Brittany walked out of their apartment and down the street to the garage where Puck stored his car. They hopped in and Brittany looked out of the window. She had an underlying craving for something all day, just swimming in the back of her mind. A pill, a line, a drink. Anything. But she pushed through and tried to keep herself busy. See? Addicted her ass.

* * *

Before she knew it, they were outside Santana's apartment and Brittany was taking the stairs two at a time. She steeled herself and knocked on the door.

Quinn opened up and smiled at her colleague. "Hey Brittany, you look nice, Santana won't be a moment. Come in."

Brittany smiled back at Quinn and entered the apartment. She had black skinny jeans on with ankle boots and an off-the-shoulder top. She completed the look with a trilby which she thought not many people could pull off. She looked up as she heard footsteps coming towards her.

Santana came out of her bedroom when she heard Brittany arrive. She had on a pair of blue jeans, the only pair she owned, and a vest top with a leather jacket over the top as per Brittany's instructions to dress super casual. She saw the girl in question and her whole face lit up.

"Brittany! You look beautiful, I love your hat!" Santana blushed and hugged the girl, holding her for a fraction longer than necessary.

Brittany grinned into the hug. "So do you. I love seeing you casual, it makes you look so beautiful." Santana rolled her eyes to hide her pleased look at the comment. As did Quinn at the sight in front of her.

"Okay okay, you both look great, have a nice time. Be good. Be safe. Don't get pregnant." Before Santana could reply with a snarky comment, Quinn slammed the door in their faces.

They both made their way down to the car, brushing their hands together and facing forward. Brittany got into the back of the car and Santana got in the other side. Confused to see Puck in the driver's seat.

"Puck! Are you joining us or something…" Santana looked from Brittany to Puck and back, perplexed with the company.

Puck smirked. "Well if you're offering we could go back to ou-"

"Thank you Puck." Brittany cut in sternly. "No, he won't be joining us, he's just driving us because…well he has a car and I can't make a lady ride the subway for an hour so. I hope that's ok." Santana's heart melted as she took the plunge and grabbed Brittany's hand.

"Of course B."

They rode to the destination which took around twenty minutes by car in comfortable silence injected with passing comments from the two girls and once or twice a less than innocent comment from Puck. Brittany slapped his head after the third time he interrupted.

* * *

Puck drove up to a largish house and stopped the car. Santana was so confused as to what their date entailed as Brittany thanked Puck, got out of the car and walked around to Santana's side. She opened the door and helped the smaller girl out.

Brittany grinned and tugged on Santana's hand. She was so excited to see Santana's face. She looked under the mat for the key and opened the door.

"We're not like, doing something illegal B, are we?" Santana sounded hesitant as she stepped over the threshold.

Brittany looked back and tugged Santana further into the house. "Nope. Don't worry San, all is well."

Brittany led Santana down the hallway, and to the back door which was covered by curtains. Brittany went around so Santana had her back to the girl. She smiled and grabbed each side of the curtain, whispering into the Latina's ear. "Ready San?"

Santana shakily nodded with anticipation as Brittany pulled the curtains back. She sucked in a gasp as her eyes wandered over the garden in front of her. She pressed her nose to the glass as unshed tears collected in her eyes. She couldn't tear her gaze away as she felt Brittany wrap her arms around her and open the door.

Santana was ushered out into the garden, with help from Brittany as her concentration is still on the wondrous sight in front of her.

Fairy lights and hanging Chinese lanterns were tangled within the tree branches. Leaves and ivy twisting with the lights giving the tree a magical aura. The lanterns hung down, lighting up the ground beneath. Massive cushions and blankets were piled by the tree, right under the lights and soft music was playing from the small speaker, hidden behind the tree.

Santana thought it was the most enchanted scene she had ever seen. She was so shocked that Brittany had set this up for her. She turned in the girl's arms.

Brittany looked at Santana, terrified that she wouldn't like it. Maybe she was more of a wine and dine girl. She tried to explain her reasoning. "I hope you like it San, I just didn't want to do that boring dinner and cinema date that anybody could do with someone. You're so special to me already and I wanted to do something special and different. I didn't want to sit in a dark room and concentrate on a film or play because I'd rather concentrate on you for the whole night. Even though we went and saw a film, which I still spent most of the time looking at you so… but anyway I have food for you, I had some help with Quinn for that, and I thought we could sit, listen to music, talk. Enjoy each other."

Santana was close to tears. She thought that Brittany couldn't get any more perfect and then she tells Santana all that and now she feels as if her heart is trying to rip out of her chest and hug the blonde girl in front of her. She really didn't know how to start expressing how much she loved this, so she leant up and kissed Brittany. It was an intense and passionate kiss and Brittany understood that Santana, thank god, liked the idea.

They moved over to the cushions as Brittany flung a blanket over her girl's legs. She blue-toothed her phone to the speaker and set up the playlist she had created for tonight. "I'm just going to get the food, one sec." Brittany ran into the kitchen and watched from the window as Santana took a picture of the magical tree above her. The blonde sent a thank you text to Mike, Blaine and Mrs Rutherford and a 'see you tomorrow' text to Puck.

Brittany came back into the garden, carrying a pizza box that Mrs Rutherford had kept heating for her. She opened it in front of Santana and snickered as she sat up ramrod and reached for the pizza box. Brittany sat down next to the girl and got comfy. Fuck these cushions were good. She thanked Mrs Rutherford in her head for having outdoor heaters that had been strategically placed to both warm the girls up and keep the magical feel alive.

They sat, gazing around them as they ate their pizza, talking of nonsensical things such as would they rather live in space or underwater. Brittany loved how Santana didn't look at her any different for some of the weird things she said, but laughed along and added her own comments. Santana made her feel good about herself, something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"So, apart from being an amazing bartender, what do you love to do?" Santana asked Brittany as she laid into the girl's shoulder.

Brittany wrapped her arm around the girl as she lounged back. She swiped her teeth with her tongue and thought for a second. She told herself she was going to be more open with Santana, and now was a perfect time. "I love to dance."

Santana lifted her head and raised her eyebrow. "Really? I watched you dance behind the bar but I never would have guessed. Although that explains your body." Brittany blushed and kissed Santana on the head.

"I don't really get to do it much anymore. But it was my life when I was younger and I grew up dancing."

Santana frowned at the melancholy tone hidden beneath the surface as Brittany explained herself. "How come? And did you ever want to take it further?"

Brittany sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. "Not enough time in the day I guess." Brittany gathered herself before deciding to continue on. "And I did take it further. All the way to Juilliard." She chuckled bitterly.

Santana sat up fully and faced her girl. Brittany went to Juilliard, why didn't she know this? "Jesus. Juilliard? You must be amazing. Wow, you graduated from Juilliard. That's impressive."

Brittany didn't want to correct the girl. She felt like such a failure. But she couldn't omit the truth. Not to Santana. "I didn't graduate. Dropped out." Brittany started to stroke the brunette's legs as she pulled her back into her own front.

Santana laid her head back down on the blonde and thought for a moment. She had managed to get some information out of Brittany and desperately wanted to continue on. But with the sad tone and the way Brittany didn't explain herself, she knew she would be pushing her luck to ask more questions. She didn't want to ruin the mood that had been set.

She started up a conversation about her co-workers, her school, her friends, Quinn. Brittany wanted to know everything and asked every question she could think of. She wanted to cover every base, drink in all of Santana. They sat and spoke of Santana's life back in high school, of her outing and how Santana dealt with that. She asked more of Brittany and Brittany tried to answer most questions with a substantial answer.

The blonde spoke of how she realised she was bisexual, it was never a problem for her, and how in high school, her, Finn and Puck ruled the school but how she never was really mean to people even though some people could be mean to her. She didn't like bullying. Santana told her of her small reign in high school and Brittany assured her that she wasn't a bad person, but she was just scared and lashed out. Santana was relieved that Brittany didn't see her as a bully. She would hate to disappoint Brittany.

Santana asked a few questions about Juilliard, she just couldn't help herself. And Brittany found that each time a question came, it was getting easier to answer. She spoke of how the parties, of Matt, of how teachers loved her and students wanted to be her. She bragged without seeming arrogant and Santana thought that only Brittany could get away with that.

They also sat in silence, listening to the music whilst Brittany stroked up and down Santana's arm. They both thought that they could do this forever, just laying with each other and being together. Brittany had never felt so good. Not once did she think of the pills laying in her bag, or the baggie of coke stuffed into her shoe, or the needle that Hunter had.

They had been out in the garden for hours when Brittany looked down at Santana. The girl had her eyes closed and was breathing evenly. Brittany got out from under her and turned the lights and heater off. She was about to wake Santana when she realised that she didn't want to disturb her. She lifted Santana into her arms and walked into the house and through the guest bedroom. She had slept there before back in the day.

She despotised Santana softly on the bed and ran to get both of their bags, where she dropped them by the back doors. She walked back in and changed quickly. She debated whether to sleep on the couch, but realised that she wanted to sleep next to Santana, and guessed the girl would want the same.

She slid in and got comfy, looking at the brunette and sighing in contentment. She watched as Santana moved closer and snuggled into her neck, breathing out, which tickled the blonde. Brittany hugged the girl closer, revelling in the whole date. She had never had a better time and drifted off to thoughts of more kisses, more hugs, more dates she could share with Santana.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay. I've been working everyday in the lead up to Christmas. I also got a new puppy and had to go to a funeral. And my uncle died of a heroin overdose. But I'm still here guys! This is a real serious chapter so some warnings... drug abuse, mentions of death, mentions of depressive thoughts and mentions of suicidal thoughts**

**Enjoy and let me know what you think. If you're enjoying the story, if you're not, if you have any ideas, if you have any questions etc. etc. leave a review **

**Thanks and peace out **

"If you could run away to any place, where would you go?" Santana asked as she ran her finger up and down Brittany's arm. It had been a week since they had woken up together and since then, they had seen each other nearly every day. They couldn't get enough of each other and Santana realised quickly that she didn't want to go a day without some form of interaction with the blonde.

They were currently lying on Santana's couch, the movie they put in long forgotten as they cuddled together. Brittany hummed and squeezed Santana even closer to her. "Where would you go?"

"Britt! That's not fair! I asked you first. Ugh fine, I guess, maybe Tokyo?"

"Tokyo? That's a very odd choice. I never would have guessed. Care to explain?" Brittany starting swirling her fingertip along Santana's stomach, revelling in the skin to skin contact.

"Well, if I'm running away, I would like a fresh start, and I guess Tokyo would be completely fresh. New language, new place, new faces. And it's a busy city, I could get lost every day." Brittany narrowed her eyes slightly at the Latina and chuckled.

Santana turned her head. "What?"

Brittany grinned at the girl looking up at her and shook her head. "Oh nothing, you were just very convincing that's all. But you can't fool me Lopez; I saw that collection of Pokémon games and DVDs hidden in the TV cabinet. You just want to see Pikachu don't you?"

Santana scoffed and hid her face in Brittany's arms. "That little yellow fucker is really cute, ok? Don't judge me blondie."

Brittany kissed Santana's head and lifted her face so that they were eye to eye. "I wouldn't dream of it Santana Lopez."

They both stared at each other for a beat before their lips slid against each other, gripping and puckering. Brittany held Santana as close as possible as she slid her tongue in and stroked the brunette's upper mouth and tongue. It always amazed the two how well they fit together when they kissed. It was like a choreographed dance and they were the two stars of the show.

Santana ran her hands along Brittany's back and held her ass, resting her hands there. Neither girl had discussed it, but they felt like they needed to wait before anything went further between the two. The only time they had slept together, it was before they knew that they could be so enamoured with each other. The first time was carnal and Brittany wanted it to be special and to show Santana how much she meant to her.

Santana broke the kiss and rested her forehead on the bartender's neck, softly kissing there.

"I should get going; I need to help my friend at his dance studio before I head to work" Santana groaned as Brittany got up and shrugged on her jacket. Santana grabbed the girl's beanie and placed it on her head, kissing her on the lips as she did.

They walked to Santana's door and pecked each other a few times.

"So B, you never answered my question. Where would you run to?"

Brittany sighed, she didn't want to answer this, but wanted to be completely honest. "I don't think it would make much difference" Brittany opened the door and stepped outside; she turned and kissed Santana once more before turning to leave.

"Why B?" Santana called out after her.

Brittany tilted her head. "Because there's only one thing I'd run away from, and it would follow me wherever I went. I've been running for three years and it still hasn't given up."

Brittany walked down the corridor without looking back at Santana who was frozen to the spot. She had a sense of dread fill her up but couldn't understand why when she didn't really understand what Brittany had said. Or what the girl was running away from. Santana felt nervous and scared and she didn't like it, not one bit.

* * *

The beat of music vibrated through the walls and pulsated down Brittany's bones. She twirled and whirled and danced to the music flowing through the speakers at Matt's studio. She tried to forget what she had told Santana earlier but it's all she could think about. She half regretted saying anything, knowing the Latina would want to know what she was going on about. But at the same time, she felt a little bit lighter letting the girl know that there was indeed something she was running from.

She felt herself shake a little as her insides rattled. A sure sign that she needed a hit before she started vomiting. She hadn't taken anything since yesterday after she had seen Santana. She had rifled through her shoes and found a few valium pills. She was always fascinated as to how her body would change once she took something. It used to be one or two substances but now she could pretty much take anything. Which she thought was a good thing as then she would at least always be able to get high on something.

She sighed as the music stopped and looked at the mirror, seeing Matt behind her.

"Hey B, nice moves. I have a class in a few, you're welcome to join or watch if you want?"

Brittany grabbed her stuff and made her way to the door. "No thanks Matt, got places to be, maybe next time."

She swept out of the door and grabbed her phone, unlocking it and checking her messages.

**B are you ok? Call me tonight maybe? Xx**

Brittany sighed and looked at the next message

**Just a little worried about how you left. I can't wait to see you again xx**

Brittany closed her eyes. She knew Santana would have questions. She never should have said anything, and now she felt cornered. She didn't want to explain anything and didn't feel like she had to anyway. She swallowed the bile building up in her mouth and created a new message.

**Hey, in town, need some stuff. I'll be at your garage in ten.**

Hunter better be there.

* * *

Quinn walked into her apartment after classes and looked at the scene in front of her. She smiled a little and sat down at the table to join her roommate. She picked up a colouring pencil and started to colour in the hearts Santana had been drawing on her notepad.

"So I take it you've seen Brittany again today?"

Santana smiled and nodded. "Yeah, she was a little strange though when she left, like she acted a little weird. And she hasn't texted me back."

"Don't do that San. Don't try and find things. Brittany really likes you, I can tell. Just stop worrying about the little things."

"Maybe you're right. Are you working tonight?"

Quinn nodded and grabbed a pink pencil. "Yep. I get to see Puck; I'll talk to Brittany as well, see if she's ok."

Santana nodded, grateful that her friend knew exactly what to do. She hoped she hadn't annoyed Brittany with the texts but she was just a little worried. She desperately wanted to know everything about the girl and wanted to know why she had been cryptic earlier.

"Thanks Q. Be safe tonight, you let me know when you finish ok?" Santana got up and kissed her friend on the head, heading to her room.

* * *

"3…2…1…GO!" Two blonde heads snorted two lines each as they raced to finish first. They both came up and took three shots before whooping and high fiving.

"Alright trouty! I call tie, I'll win next time." Brittany chuckled as she wiped the remaining cocaine residue on her gums.

Sam laughed and put his t-shirt on. "So how's Santana?"

Brittany rolled her eyes. She hadn't texted the girl back. She didn't know what to say, she felt trapped and wanted to leave it, hoping the Latina would get the message and not ask questions. "Fine, she's nice, I like her. How's 'cedes? You two done the deed yet?"

"No, she wants to wait a while, does Santana know about your extra-curricular activities?"

Brittany snorted. "She caught me once. But it's not like this thing is really an activity. It's the same as doing anything to deal with yourself. It'll be fine soon; it's just to tide me over."

Sam rolled his eyes. He had heard that excuse ever since he knew the girl. Not that he cared really why she did it, she was his friend and it wasn't his business.

Brittany continued on. "Anyway, I think she's going to start asking questions soon and I just can't deal with that right now. God why does everything have to be so complicated?"

Sam poured to shots and handed one to his friend. "I hear you sister. Ready to tear this place down?"

Brittany slammed her shot, feeling the full effects of her drug taking. "Let's do this."

* * *

Quinn served the last gentleman before taking her ten minute break. She walked up to Kurt, who as cleaning glasses and smiled as he passed her some water.

"Is Brittany working the basement tonight?"

"Yeah, it's the last Saturday of the month. This place does a special event where all drinks are like half price and usually the wild crowd takes over the basement. The bartenders have to be on top of their game and there is no one like Brittany. Puck will for sure put her down there tonight."

Quinn nodded and walked down the back staircase; she heard thunderous music and bopped her head along slightly to the song. Santana loved this song, Bangarang by Skrillex. She wasn't as in to this sort of thing but maybe with a few drinks in her. She came to the doorway of the basement and took in the scene.

All of the men in the room had their shirts off and actually, most of the women did too. She saw Sam pouring bottles of alcohol into the waiting mouths of the people below, like a mother bird feeding her babies. She spotted two people crowd surfing as she made her way to the front.

She noticed Brittany, in just her bra and short shorts pulling up topless girls and boys onto the bar. She started dancing wildly when the beat dropped and Quinn frowned as the blonde starting grinding on the customers.

Quinn tapped Brittany's legs, who looked down and smiled wildly. She hopped off the bar and hugged Quinn tightly. "Quinn! Hey hey hey!" Brittany slurred her words slightly, her eyes glassy and grin sloppy.

"Brittany. What are you doing? Are you drunk? If San saw you… "

Brittany sighed dramatically. "Quinn it's madness night, I'm doing my job. And yes slightly drunk. Lastly, Santana knows that this is my job; she knows that this doesn't mean a thing so seriously stop. You're not my mother."

"No, I'm just your girlfriend's sister."

"Yeah and I haven't done anything wrong. Jesus fuck what is it today with people and them questioning me. Can't everybody just leave me alone for two seconds?" Brittany cried out. Her head was banging and she just needed to be left alone.

Quinn put her hands up. "Fine. I'm sorry; I misunderstood what was going on. If you see Puck, tell him to come see me. See you later Brittany."

Brittany watched Quinn walk back up the stairs. She heaved a sigh and went to the back room to finish off the baggie that Hunter had given her earlier. She couldn't help but think that everything was much easier when she isolated herself away from everyone.

* * *

Puck groaned as he exhaled a puff. He passed the joint onto Finn. It had been a long night at the club and all three of them had just woken up, it was 4pm and they all had the day off tonight and tomorrow. Thank God.

"I want to see her today."

Puck and Finn looked over to Brittany, who was staring into space. She took a drag of the joint Finn had just passed to her.

"Ok." Puck nodded and rose from his seat. Brittany got up two and the pair walked back inside, leaving Finn staring at the buildings in front of him. He never even realised they had left.

Puck and Brittany wrapped up and walked down to Puck's car. The two hadn't spoken since they had woken up. No words were really needed between the two; they drove silently and stopped when they reached the destination.

Brittany sighed heavily and Puck internally shook. He knew that whenever Brittany came here, she always spiralled that little bit more and he didn't want to have that happen again. But he knew she was better off coming with him instead of on her own. He took his seatbelt off but made no move to get out of the car. He would wait and watch, making sure to catch his friend if she fell.

Brittany grabbed the door handle and swung it open. She climbed out and breathed in the air.

She watched, row upon row of the same sight. Each one merging into the other, she never knew who these people were. It didn't matter who they were, not to her. It mattered to someone though and as she stopped walking and faced the same grey stone as the last, she realised that this tombstone didn't matter to a lot of people. This tombstone that had shaped the last three years of her life, that had made her question and wonder if life was really worth it all, didn't matter to others.

She had never felt so small.

She gazed upon the stone and read the writing. She could cite it word for word.

Her age, her birthdate, her death date, who she was to other people, to Brittany.

Brittany sunk to her knees and sobbed. It hadn't gotten easier in the last three years. She cried for Daisy. For who she was, and who she never would become.

She opened her eyes and noticed the fresh bouquet of daisies left by the stone. She cried even harder, the only link she had left to them was this.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

Puck had driven her back after two hours at the cemetery. Brittany hadn't spoken a word or shed a single tear after she got back in the car. Puck was getting really worried, there was so much at stake and he felt like he was aging every minute spent in this car. The atmosphere around the blonde was getting tenser every day and he was worried that soon, it would all blow up in front of them. He analysed his friend and noticed how sallow her skin was, how dark the rings around her eyes were and how limp and lifeless her hair had become. It was as if she was slowly deteriorating before his eyes.

Brittany looked down as her phone vibrated.

**Hey B, was thinking you, me, your apartment and some ice cream? Around dinnertime? Xx**

Brittany smiled slightly. She felt a little bad for ignoring the girl but it seemed as if Santana wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. She shakily sighed and texted back the girl. She really did want to see her.

**Sounds good baby xx**

She put her phone back and held her hand up. It shook violently and she clenched a fist before Puck could notice. She could feel what was left of her heart disintegrating in her chest as the tombstone was burned into her mind and feared that even being with Santana wouldn't completely let her forget. She hovered her finger of one contact, the one person that could maybe help her and contemplated the decision she had to make.

She sent off a text before she could change her mind and closed her eyes. She was getting dizzy and needed a reply quickly.

She turned to Puck. "Santana is coming over tonight."

Puck smiled slightly; glad that his friend would have the Latina girl there. "Cool, I'll make myself scarce."

Brittany nodded and ran her shaky hands through her hair. She got out as Puck parked and walked up the stairs, leaving the door ajar. She hopped in the shower, taking her phone into the bathroom with her and got ready for meeting Santana tonight. She washed her hair and did her make-up, all the while thinking of Daisy and the fresh bouquet there.

She felt like she was going in circles, one minute she was doing okay and then something would happen and all she could think about was her memories, her nightmares, her family, Daisy and then ultimately, the only cure for it all, drugs.

She ran into Puck's room and took the bottle of vodka there, swigging at it as she came back to the bathroom. She took gulps as she finished off her make-up and dried her hair. Everytime her mind would go dark, she would take a drink. Like a fucked up college drinking game.

She grabbed her phone as it buzzed.

**Come mine in an hour. Price has gone up.**

Brittany growled as she counted how much she had in her savings. It wasn't enough. She sighed and took three gulps of the vodka. She felt vomit sit in her chest as she thought of what she would have to do tonight. She knew she had to be quick, before Santana was here.

She was doing this for Santana. She didn't want the Latina to have to deal with her mopy, depressing behaviour. If she acted like that, she would for sure lose the girl. She was also doing this for herself. Because she just wanted to forget and feel happy again. She groaned as she stood, getting her bearings as the alcohol flowed through her veins. She made her way out of the apartment and towards the familiar garage.

* * *

Santana flitted around the apartment as she put the final touches to her outfit. She looked at the containers of Mac n Cheese she had made, knowing that the blonde loved it. She checked her hair for the fifth time and grabbed everything she needed. She felt more nervous to see Brittany than usual. She felt like they were getting somewhere and maybe tonight would be the night they would maybe establish a definitive relationship. Quinn already thought they were girlfriends but honestly, Santana wasn't really sure what they were either.

She looked down at the bouquet of lilies she had bought earlier and grinned. She didn't even care that she was losing badass points.

* * *

"Jesus Brittany, you're looking more sickly than ever. Get some meat on those bones girl." Brittany grimaced as Hunter grabbed her arm and squeezed. His yellowing teeth and sickly skin made him look more haggard than ever. She felt exactly how he looked.

"So, you got the stuff?" Brittany asked. She was in a hurry and needed it now.

"Yep," Hunter grinned "payment first or medication first?"

Brittany took off her jacket and rolled her t-shirt sleeves up to her shoulders.

"Medication."

Hunter grabbed the needle and patted the seat next to him. "Alrighty then."

* * *

Santana knocked twice on the door and waited. Shifting from one foot to the other. She smiled as Puck opened the door and greeted the man.

"Hey San, B just texted me and said she had a last minute thing to quickly do before she would be back, so if you just want to wait in the living room, that's cool."

Santana checked her phone for any missed calls or texts from the blonde, finding nothing, she shrugged and agreed. She walked into the apartment and sat down on the couch, accepting the beer Puck had offered and getting into the game on the TV. She was glad to have some time to calm her nerves a little before she saw her B.

* * *

Brittany was flying. She was sure of it. She had never felt so good, lying on her back, on a dingy mattress as she felt her heart soar. She started laughing uncontrollably before trying to check the time on her phone. She couldn't read the time so looked up to see Hunter tidying away.

"Wha…time?" She could only manage to slur those words out.

"You've been here two hours. You need to pay me in a minute."

Brittany felt like she should be worried about being there so long. She was sure she had to get back soon, before Santana would be there. Or was she already there? Or what time was she meant to be there? Brittany couldn't really remember, all she felt was intense happiness, which rose as she thought of her Latina. She felt those plump lips on her own, her smooth skin, the way she smiled, her eyes.

Brittany sighed happily. This was a good idea. She would be in a good mood for San now.

She sat up slowly as Hunter moved in front of her. He had taken his trousers off and was standing only in his underwear.

"Time to pay up Pierce."

Brittany nodded and grabbed his underwear, pulling down and rubbing her hands up and down Hunter's thighs. She grabbed his hard dick and started rubbing up and down, thumbing the head and slit. She swallowed and tried to wet her mouth. She grabbed his balls and massaged with one hand and stroked him with the other whilst she put the head in her mouth and swirled her tongue around.

She could hear Hunter hiss at the contact whilst he thrust into her mouth, not caring that he was basically forcing his dick further down into her throat. She choked a little before pushing back. She knew what he liked and wanted to get this over with so she could be back at home with her San. She massaged his balls more and tightened her mouth over his head.

Hunter started to thrust more and his breathing became heavier. Brittany put her fingers on the space between his balls and his ass and pushed, massaging slightly. She felt the area pulsate and readied herself for the load that was shot into her mouth, he never did warn her.

She spat out as Hunter moaned lightly, falling back onto the mattress and putting his arm over his eyes.

* * *

Santana stared at the clock. Her heart was breaking more and more as the minutes ticked by and she had finished her bottle of beer. It had been an hour and a half since she had been there and neither she or Puck had received a reply for their many texts. She wanted to give the blonde the benefit of the doubt after 45 minutes but now, now she was just devastated. She had been stood up by the one girl that meant so much more to her than anyone else.

Puck looked over and shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry San. I should've asked when she would be back."

"It's not your fault Puck. I'm just gonna go. I'll leave the flowers here, you can have the mac n cheese too. Just heat it up."

Puck nodded and walked Santana to the door. He was so pissed with his friend right now that he didn't really want to see her.

Santana nodded her thanks to the man and walked down the stairs, as silent tears dripped down her cheeks. Her heart had shattered into a thousand pieces.

* * *

Brittany stumbled back to her apartment. She had left as soon as Hunter had cum and was looking forward to seeing Santana. She could feel herself slowly coming down and felt a bit worse for wear. From past experiences, she knew tomorrow she would feel like absolute shit and would have to make sure she collected an early pay check from Puck so she could get herself back up on that high.

She made her way to the door and stumbled a bit as she slid the key in and opened. She walked through to the living area and saw a bouquet of lilies on the table. She smiled slightly and sniffed.

"Those are from Santana. As is the food I just ate. Where the fuck have you been?"

Brittany startled and turned around, facing Puck who was glaring at her.

"Out. Santana's here? She in the bathroom?"

Brittany made to go to the bathroom but was stopped as Puck stood in front of her.

"She's gone B. She's been gone for two hours now. She waited for you forever. And you stood her up. B look at me."

Brittany looked at Puck as she tried to take in what he was saying. Santana was here, and now she's gone? She missed her?

"You're fucking high aren't you? You look like shit, you smell even worse and you can't even focus on me for two seconds. Is that where you were. Shooting shit up your veins, let me see."

Puck grabbed Brittany's arms as she thrashed and tried to get out of his grip. He pulled her sleeve up and took in the marks he saw. His fingers ghosting over them. He let her go harshly.

"You don't deserve her. She deserves so much better. And you've just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you. For what? So you could feel good for ten minutes before you feel even worse than before. So you could blow all the money you've just earned. So you could alienate every person that's ever given a shit about you. It wasn't your fault, what happened three years ago, but now, now it's your fault."

Puck stormed out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him. Brittany let out a sob as tears seeped out of her eyes. The high she had experienced was long gone and now she felt even lower. If there was a rock bottom, she was below that, below the pits of hell. She replayed every cutting word Puck had just given her. Every organ, bone, molecule in her body was exploding and shattering her. Her body was destroying her from the inside out and she could only sit there as it did.

She got up and walked into Finn's bedroom, stealing the tequila bottle he had there. She then went to her box in the cupboard and pulled it out. She emptied every pill in there and sorted them. She couldn't cope with this despair, she wanted it to stop. She needed everything to stop, for just a second.

She took the first handful of pills and washed it down with the tequila. She grimaced and let out a few more sobs that racked her body.

"I'm sorry Daisy."

Swig

"I'm sorry Mom, Dad."

Swig

"I'm sorry Puck, Finn."

Swig, second batch of pills

"I'm so sorry Santana." Brittany choked out.

She wiped her tears away as she rocked slowly. She just wanted this anguish to be gone, to be over. This was the only way she knew how.

She laid on her back and thought back to how she came to be. From a great dancer and beloved student, to homeless and alone, to bartender and drug addict.

She opened her eyes. She needed drugs to survive, to get through the days and what she once thought was her best friend, had destroyed everything she had left.

She was a drug addict.

She wept even more as her stomach churned, aching. She held it and gripped tightly. Her vision blurred slightly and could feel her breathing pick up which had become raggedy. She breathed deeper, trying to get air into her lungs, but it felt like something was blocking her from doing so.

She gripped her stomach tighter as pain ripped through. She opened her mouth as vomit came rushing up her throat. She heaved and heaved, trying to expel everything, hoping this would ease the pain.

Her body heated up as she started to sweat profusely. Yet inside, she felt ice cold. Like chilled. Her whole body shook as she vomited once more. She could see spots in her vision as she lowered her head into the pool of vomit and tried to breathe deeply.

The blackness that had started out in her heart three years ago and had creeped all the way through her body had plagued her vision, it's final destination as she closed her eyes and exhaled one last time.

She never even saw the two pairs of feet that had rushed towards her, or her name being screamed out of their mouths.


	12. Chapter 12

**So I must say, thanks for the kind words in regards to my uncles death, however, I feel like a phony because I was never close to him. Ironically, because of his heroin use, he kind of ripped the family apart, which is why I always think things like that are so interesting.**

**Sorry this has taken so long, I've been working quite a bit and wanted to mull over ideas before i wrote.**

**This is a little different to usual, we get to see Brittany's past, cute finn/brittany/puck moments as well as the big reveal.**

**Warnings: mentions of drugs, death, alcohol and HEAVY AND GRAPHIC SUICIDE REFERENCES. I would not read if any of these are triggers but especially the last one.**

**Thanks for reading and let me know what you think, i love reading your reviews and it is definitely a massive motivator to continue writing.**

* * *

**Sometimes I feel so alone, ****  
****I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.****  
****So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me, ****  
****soon as I go home and close the door.****  
****Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do, ****  
****but I can't and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie cause I don't, ****  
****and why I just don't know...****  
**

"_Come on Finn!" A young blonde with a sprightly smile and sparkling blue eyes called out as she dragged her friend by the wrist across the playground. The boy named Finn, who was rounder and taller than his female counterpart struggled to keep up, tripping over his feet and stumbling across the grassy area._

_The two made their way over to the monkey bars, where another young boy of the same age dangled upside down. Brittany smiled as she reached the second boy and dropped Finn's hand. Finn looked at his friend and to the boy, wondering firstly why Brittany had rushed them across the playground and secondly, what would be served in the canteen on their first day at elementary school. _

"_Hi!" Brittany jumped on the balls of her feet as the nameless boy slid his gaze over to her. He grinned and narrowed his eyes slightly. "I'm Brittany, this is Finn. Can I touch your head?"_

_Puck widened his eyes slightly as Finn watched, confused as to why his best friend since forever would ask such a weird question._

"_Uhh, I'm Puck, why?" They boy named Puck, who was still upside down, crossed his arms over his chest._

_Brittany reached out and stroked the strip of hair that had caught her gaze from across the play area. She grinned and sighed softly. "Mmm, my mom wouldn't let me get a cat so…this is the next best thing I guess."_

_Puck chuckled and swung his body, landing on his feet and grinning at the two. "Wanna sit with me at lunch?"_

_Brittany whooped and fist pumped Puck before jumping on Finn's back. "Let's go guys!"_

**I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything**

"_Britty! Britty!" A blur of blonde came running out of the kitchen as Brittany entered through the door. She had just finished her first day as a sophomore. She crouched down and opened her arms, awaiting the arrival that would pummel in to her._

"_Oof, jeez Dais, you're getting so big! How are you only five?" Brittany stood up and twirled around the girl, who looked exactly as she did when she was that age. She looked at her younger sister, whom she worshipped as the girl looked wide eyed at the boy standing in the doorway._

_Puck grinned and dragged his hand along his Mohawk. "Hey hey, Daisy, aren't you the prettiest five year old?"_

_Daisy grinned and hid her neck in her big sister's shoulder. She had a hero worship crush on her sister's best friend, something which Brittany found both cute and alarming. She would have to make sure that when Daisy grew up, Brittany would have a talk about who was acceptable to date and who wasn't. Basically, no dating until thirty._

_Brittany squeezed her sister as the trio walked into the kitchen. She walked over to the older blonde who was peeling potatoes, kissed her on the cheek and sat down, as Puck did the same._

_Susan Pierce turned and smiled at the three. "Hey baby, how was school? Did you like it?"_

_Brittany sighed as she bounced Daisy on her knee, who was giggling at the faces Puck made to her._

"_It was fine, more homework but whatever. Mom, me and Puck are going to meet Finn and take Dais to the aquarium. Is that ok?"_

_Susan smiled at her two daughters, love shining in her eyes as Brittany kissed along her sister's forehead. "That's fine honey, be back for dinner. And if the two boys are staying, I'll guess I'll have to cook three times more."_

_Everybody laughed as Brittany basked in the familiarity that came with her family._

** How to fight loneliness  
Smile all the time  
Shine you teeth till meaningless  
Sharpen them with lies ****And whatever's going down ****Will follow you around ****That's how you fight loneliness**

"_B! B! B!"_

"_Hey Dais, what's wrong?" Brittany furrowed her brows as her heart broke slightly at the sight of her sister, now seven years old, and her red rimmed eyes. A sign that the younger blonde had been crying._

_Daisy grabbed onto her sister and hid her face in Brittany's neck, sighing as she enjoyed the security of her big sister. "Jenny said that her sister got a letter from somewhere in California, asking to go there and stay for school. I don't want you to go!"_

_Brittany smiled slightly as she was clung to. She rubbed Daisy's back and kissed her forehead. "Hey, listen to me," Brittany looked her sister in the eye and brushed away the tears cascading down her cheeks, "I did get a letter from somewhere, asking me to go to school."_

_Daisy whimpered and tried to get out of her sister's grip. Brittany held on and ran her hand through the blonde hair, so like her own. "But…It's for a place here, in New York. So, I'll never be away from you, and neither will Puck, or Finn. I'm staying here, for good."_

_Daisy looked up at her sister and grinned. "You mean we'll be together, forever?"_

_Brittany chuckled and held out her pinky, "Yep, sweetie, forever."_

**Gloomy is Sunday, ****  
****With shadows I spend it all****  
****My heart and I****  
****Have decided to end it all****  
****Soon there'll be candles****  
****And prayers that are said I know****  
****But let them not weep****  
****Let them know that I'm glad to go**

"_Mmm baby, baby we have to stop." Brittany pulled away from the girl on top of her._

"_Ugh B, why?" The brunette lunged for Brittany's neck, as Brittany tried to grab her bra. She pulled away and jumped up, clothing her body and checking the mirror._

"_Because my baby sister and friends are coming round, and you can't be here." Brittany grabbed her makeup and tried to fix the mess that was her after party face. She looked back at the naked girl in her bed and smirked to herself, yep, she's still got it._

_The naked girl sighed, "Can't I just meet them?"_

_Brittany chuckled and turned to her hook up. "Look, Roxanne, you're a really great dancer, and a great lover, but I'm really not ready for the whole, you and me, me and you thing, I'm sorry, I thought you knew that, I don't want to hurt your feelings." Brittany pouted to herself, she really didn't like hurting people, but she always tried to let people know that hooking up with her would lead no further._

_Roxanne sighed as she got up and changed back into her outfit. "Not your fault Brittany, I get it, thank you for the great night, I'll see you around."_

_Brittany walked Roxanne to the front door, kissed her cheek and opened. On the other side, Puck, Finn, Susan, Daisy and her dad Graham were all waiting, with Puck's fist half raised, ready to knock._

"_Oh B! We- uh…we didn't know you had company…" Graham awkwardly chuckled and rubbed his neck. Puck smirked and attempted to high five Brittany as Susan stood trying to cover up Daisy's eyes as the younger blonde squirmed to see and try and understand the scene in front of her. Finn wondered what Brittany would serve for lunch._

_Roxanne chuckled and said hello to the group, walking past and down the hallway of the apartment buildings Juilliard let their dancers stay in._

"_Is that your roommate?" Daisy asked innocently, as she barged into the apartment, grabbing Brittany's hand along the way._

_Brittany rolled her eyes as her dad chuckled and Puck let out a snort._

**I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour****  
****But heaven knows I'm miserable now****  
****I was looking for a job, and then I found a job****  
****And heaven knows I'm miserable now****  
****In my life****  
****Why do I give valuable time****  
****To people who don't care if I live or die?**

"_Oh Brittany, could you do me a massive favour? Could you take your sister to the mall, she needs some new clothes and I have to go into work. Your father isn't back yet either."_

_Brittany sighed dramatically as she came into the kitchen. She didn't mind though, any time she got to hang out with her sister was the best. She had been back from college for a week, ending her first year with rave reviews and accolades. She was on her way to becoming somebody and her biggest fan was her little sister, who came to every performance and was enthusiastic every time she saw her big sister, her hero, dance._

"_Sure, come on baby girl, Mom can I take your car? Are you riding the subway?"_

_Susan grabbed the keys and threw them to her oldest. "Yeah, I'll take the subway, be careful, love you both." Susan kissed both daughters and walked out of the room. _

_Brittany swung her keys and bent down, "hop on little one." Daisy jumped onto her sister's back as Brittany carried her out of the house and down to the car._

"_I'm not little B! I'm eight! Nearly nine!" Daisy exclaimed as she slid off her sister's shoulders and hopped into the car._

"_Yeah, yeah. You'll always be my little angel."_

_Brittany started the car and drove out onto the streets, neither of them realising that this would be the last journey that her little angel would take._

**Hope there's someone  
Who'll take care of me  
When I die, will I go Hope there's someone  
Who'll set my heart free  
Nice to hold when I'm tired**

"_Two females, one around 18/19, one around 9/10. Older one was driving, hit by an oncoming car going fast. Has head trauma, possible broken ribs, lacerations on body and the shoulder is most likely dislocated. Younger has severe head trauma, several lacerations, and both legs are broken. Younger girl was hit on her side of the car."_

_The two gurneys carrying two blonde girls were rushed down the hospital hallways as doctors and nurses screamed orders to each other. _

_The nurse looked at the two and sighed. They were both so young, with so many injuries. She looked at the phone in the older girl's possession and pulled up recently called. Passing names such as Puck, Finn and Matt, she saw the contact 'Mom' and pressed, holding it to her ear. This was the part she hated._

_Puck ran into the hospital, Finn on his heels as he looked around for the desk. He was frantic, after receiving a call from Graham that both Brittany and Daisy were in the hospital. He ran to the desk and got directed to the waiting room. Looking around he saw a sight that broke his heart. _

_Susan Pierce was sobbing, clinging to her knees on the chair as she rocked slightly, her body racking and shaking. Graham Pierce looked helpless. Puck and Finn looked at these two as parents and to see them look so lost scared them both more than anything. _

_They went to sit down next to the pair as a doctor walked out, pulling his gloves off and trying to look anyway but at the group._

_The four people jumped up as the doctor made his way over to them. He coughed slightly as Graham and Susan gripped each other and Puck held onto Finn's hand._

"_Brittany has a severe broken shoulder, and three broken ribs which will heal with time and a lot of therapy. She has stopped bleeding but she has a really bad head injury. Because of this…she is currently in a coma. When she will come out, we don't know. It's very touch and go and she's not out of the woods."_

_Puck let a few tears fall as Finn squeezed his hand. Susan let out a cry as Graham grabbed her into a hug._

"_What about- what about Daisy" Finn choked out as he steeled himself. He saw the greying looking on the doctor's face at that name._

"_Mr and Mrs Pierce maybe I should only let you two…"_

"_No! Tell us, tell us about my baby!" Graham cried out as Susan shook._

"_I'm so sorry Mr and Mrs Pierce,"_

_Susan wailed and dropped to her knees as Graham sobbed into his hands. Puck screamed out and tried to get to the doctor as Finn held him back. _

"_we did everything possible, but the head trauma and bleeding was too severe. It was too late to save her."_

_Finn grabbed Puck as they clung to each other, tears streaming down their face for the young girl who would never get to experience her life. And for Brittany, who if she would wake up, would realise that she will never get to see her baby sister again. For their family, they cried._

**You lived inside my world so softly****  
****Protected only by the kindness of your nature****  
****You are my sister****  
****And I love you****  
****May all of your dreams come true**

_Puck sat in the stark white room. He had been sitting in this room nearly every day for the past two months. He had drowned out the incessant beeping noises as he turned the page of his motor magazine. He sighed as he looked over the pictures._

"_Hey." Puck looked up as Finn came in, carrying two coffees. He grabbed one and nodded his head in appreciation._

"_No news?" Finn looked at his blonde, lying in bed, as she had been for the past two months. Her ribs had been healing well, whilst her shoulder was touch and go. She would need a lot of work to get it back to how it was, and even then…_

"_Nope, no news yesterday, no news today, probably no fucking news tomorrow." Puck sighed as he slammed his magazine down. Finn flinched and looked away. "Sorry dude, I'm just, having a rough time right now."_

_Finn nodded. "Have they been around to see her?"_

_Puck chuckled humourlessly. "Nope. Not since around a month ago, when it just go too hard for them to even look at her without seeing Dai-" Puck swallowed "Daisy. I mean fucking Christ. They have just completely checked out on being a parent to her. I get it must be the hardest thing you could go through, but they still have a daughter, and they have just totally fucking abandoned her right now. I never would have thought they could do that, but I guess you don't really know what people are capable of."_

_Puck ended his rant and held his face in his hands, rubbing his unshaved chin and running his hair through his now growing Mohawk. He was about to continue when a quick beeping had him snapping his eyes over to Brittany. He got up as nurses rushed in._

"_What is it? What's going on?" He cried out as the nurses spoke rapidly._

"_She's waking up."_

_Puck stroked the blonde hair that cascaded down and around his friend's head. He smiled slightly to himself at the fact that he didn't lose her. He kissed her forehead as the blonde screamed and cried. Holding her face and wailing._

"_I'm so sorry B. I'm so sorry." Puck chanted over and over as Finn watched on, unsure of what to do as his own heart broke._

"_It's my fault! It's my entire fault! I can't do this! Please Puck!"_

_Puck silently cried as he held onto her. He couldn't let her fall now. She had such a long way to go, but he vowed that he would make sure she would make it. As he looked at Finn through the misty tears in his eyes, he realised that they both had exactly the same thoughts._

_He wondered what kind of fucked up world he was now living in as he held onto his sister. Brittany had lost the girl she loved more than anything, blamed herself for her death, had a long recovery ahead, had parents who couldn't even look at her, and after waking up from a coma, two months later, had been told by her best friend that she had missed her sister's funeral._

_He went to bed that night and cried until the morning light shone through his curtains._

_He knew everything would change._

**And I find it kind of funny****  
****I find it kind of sad****  
****The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had****  
****I find it hard to tell you,****  
****I find it hard to take****  
****When people run in circles it's a very, very**** mad world.**

_Brittany had been taken home by Puck and Finn a month ago. Puck had given her his bed and offered to sleep on the couch, yet most nights, he would find himself cradling her as she cried herself to sleep._

_Each day was the same. He and Finn took turns going into the club they had opened. Their business was going great but it didn't even register as he looked after Brittany. _

_She would lay in bed all day, or get up and sit on the couch, staring into space as Finn and Puck rushed around her, preparing meals, helping her wash, trying to get her to do something but wallow in her thoughts. But it was helpless. The Pierce's had rung once, Puck told them in an angry manner that their daughter was alive and living with him. They had tried to justify their abandonment with the pain they still felt, though they had paid for all the medical bills. Puck angrily drove to their house and collected up all of Brittany's clothing; ignoring the two he called family as he stormed in and out._

_The next blow came in the form of Julliard. Brittany's shoulder had yet to heal properly, due to the blonde not bothering to turn up to physical therapy. And with the new year starting, Julliard had no other choice but to take away the scholarship Brittany had been offered back in high school. Puck had never felt more angry at the world, yet Brittany had not even flinched when she was told._

_Puck and Finn had been trying for two months now, and were becoming exhausted. They had tried every tactic, but the blonde was showing hardly any progress. Until one night, when Puck had walked in on Brittany getting ready and swigging from a vodka bottle._

_Puck sighed and went to get changed. If Brittany was going to do this, he would be there every step of the way._

**Today I stumbled from my bed****  
****With thunder crashing in my head,****  
****My pillow still wet****  
****From last night's tears****  
****As I think of giving up****  
****A voice inside my coffee cup****  
****Kept crying out****  
****Ringing in my ears**

_Brittany sat in the bathtub. She had just come back early from the club. She had been working there for nearly a full year, drinking nearly every night, taking someone back, fucking Puck, fucking Finn, snorting coke. Everyone thought that she was living life on the edge._

_Truth was, she wasn't living at all._

_She flipped the razor over and over in her fingers. She had pried it out of the plastic shell and had been staring at it for an hour now. _

_Every flip, she thought of Daisy, of her parents who had called her only a handful of times to check up on her progress. Every time she would ask to go to their apartment, they had sold the house six months ago, or for them to come here, they would decline, stating they were not ready or that they were busy. Each time they declined, it was like a knife stabbing into her already shattered heart._

_She thought of Puck and Finn. Her two brothers. Her only family left._

_Of cocaine and valium and sleeping pills. Heroin, which she had smoked once or twice, weed, pills. _

_She sighed and closed her eyes. She tried to make herself feel. Feel like those drugs made her feel. But she couldn't. She couldn't feel. The only time she could, would be when she would imagine her younger sister, eyes shining as she giggled and laughed, blushed at Puck, jumped on Finn. She could feel when she thought of her parents and their constant dismissals._

_But it was only despair, hopelessness, abandonment, disgust and guilt. That as all she could feel anymore._

_She looked at Puck and Finn and her heart twitched, wanting to feel the love she knew she had for them. But even though she knew it was there, she just couldn't feel it._

_She had destroyed her whole family, and now, she had been confined to her own head. This was the most dangerous place to be._

_She took the razor blade. She wouldn't cry. And sent a silent goodbye to those who would miss her._

_She took the blade and dragged upwards on each wrist, watching as the blood started to pour out of the cuts she had made._

_She didn't even feel that._

**Walls have got you cornered****  
****You've got the blues my friend****  
****And people don't like you****  
****But you will leave without a sound ?****  
****Oh feeling ?****  
****Death alone shall love you****  
****I bet you'll feel so lovely you could die****  
****(I feel so lonely) you could die,****  
****You feel so lonely, you could die.**

_Brittany looked at the girl in front of her. They had been lying face to face for an hour, neither speaking a word as Brittany traced hearts into the girl's arms. She looked at every detail of the girl's face, burning it into her memory. _

_Some days, she thought that this girl in front of her would be her ray of light, guiding her out of this dark abyss. But then she would remember what she had done to her family and hated herself more than ever._

_She was the worst person ever, and Santana, Santana was everything that was right in this world. She felt even more disgusted at herself for even talking to Santana. She wasn't worthy, but she couldn't help herself. She was so in love._

_Yes, she had finally accepted that she was in love. _

_Yet she was hiding such a big part of herself, she realised that how could Santana be in love with her, when she didn't even know her. Brittany didn't want her to know. But she didn't want to lie._

"_You're thinking too hard." Santana smiled, dimples showing as she ran her hand along the blonde's face and kissed her softly._

_Brittany couldn't help but smile. She wrapped her arms further around the Latina and pulled her in. She squeezed tightly, afraid that once she let go, then she would never hold this beautiful creature again._

_She kissed Santana on the nose, the forehead, her eyelids as she dragged her nose along Santana's cheeks. Humming in appreciation before kissing her sweetly, holding her lips slightly._

_Brittany pulled back and her heart started to thump as she watched Santana smile lazily and open her eyes._

_Maybe she was starting to feel after all..?_

**When you were here before  
Couldn't look you in the eye  
You're just like an angel  
Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather  
In a beautiful world  
I wish I was special  
You're so fucking special**

"Please B, please B, why B? God, oh God, I can't do this, please." Finn muttered out as he walked back and forth. He had vomit on his clothes, his mixed with Brittany's as his mind played over the flashing images in his head.

Seeing Brittany, blue in the face, lying in vomit, with empty bottles of pills and alcohol surrounding her.

Rushing over, screaming her name as his heart threatened to combust. He had been terrified. He still was.

"Finn fucking sit down." Puck yelled, much to the ire of the receptionist. He couldn't give a fuck. He looked down at his hands as he tried to block the images of his sister lying in her own vomit.

How could he have let it go this far?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Puck, I'm sorry." Finn rambled out, as he shook.

Puck sighed and got up, grabbing his friend and hugging him with all the strength he could muster. "It's ok man, calm down. Ok. I need you to calm down."

Finn nodded, shaking slightly. He looked over to the doors where the doctors were working on his friend, hoping that someone could tell him everything was fine and they could go back to when they were all 18. He silently cried and looked over to the noise of feet coming from the other end. He sighed a little as he saw his girlfriend charging towards him, with others behind her.

"Finn, I'm here okay, I'm here." Rachel whispered as she clung onto him. He felt himself settle a little as his love whispered in his ear.

Puck looked up as Kurt, holding hands with Blaine, Mercedes, Sam, Tina, Mike and Quinn all came to a stop. They took one look at the two boys and realised how serious this was. They each held onto Puck, telling him it was going to be ok. He ignored them. They had no idea what was going to happen.

Quinn got to him last, and he felt his heart rate slow. He hadn't been seeing her that long, but he was already so enamoured by her and he knew she was what he needed right now.

She never told him it was going to be ok as she let him cling onto her, crying into her neck. He was grateful for that.

He looked over his shoulder as he heard a pair of footsteps slowly approach the group. His heart twinged at the sight of Santana, red rimmed eyes and looking terrified as she took in the group.

Puck thought back to the phone calls he had made to the group, leaving Quinn until last. He had heard the frantic worry as Santana had tried to understand what was going on when Quinn uttered 'Brittany' and 'Hospital' in the same sentence.

He couldn't believe this was happening again.

Santana walked over to him and Quinn and stood, waiting for them to release their hold. Once he did, he grabbed Santana as she fell into him, wailing into his neck as he held her tight. Her body shuddered and racked with sobs as Quinn cried silently, clinging to her back.

All he could hear was the mutterings from his neck, a repeated cry of "Why Brittany why?"

The whole group looked up as a Doctor walked up to them. "Are you all here for Brittany Pierce?"

Puck released Santana as Finn and himself stood in front of the doctor, steeling themselves for whatever they were about to hear.

"Yeah."

"Are you family?" The doctor asked, looking between the two.

Puck snorted to himself internally, he had called the Pierce's but hadn't received an answer, so he left a message. Hoping they would finally understand that they were slowly losing their only daughter.

"I'm Brittany's brother Finn Pierce, and this is our cousin." Finn spoke confidently.

The doctor looked dubiously at the two before nodding and looking at each of them.

Finn and Puck grabbed each other's hands, just as they had done three years ago, when everybody's lives had changed, and waited for the doctor to tell them the news.

**What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
goes away  
In the end  
And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt**

**I wear this crown of thorns  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappears**

**You are someone else  
I am still right here**

**What have I become  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
goes away  
In the end  
And you could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt**

**If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks to the reviews and follows I got last chapter. **

**Also thank you to my constant reviewers RoxyLu, Julzy04 and Quest. If you check your PMs, there are two scenes in there that I haven't included in this story ,hopefully it will give you more inisight and thank you for you constant support. TasCar19 if there is anyway for me to give you the prompts too let me know because you are also a great reviewer for this story.**

**Hope you enjoy**

**Warnings: mentions of drugs, suicide etc**

Puck walked into the room, as his best friend lay there, hooked up to machines. He had been in this position too many times before. Finn walked in behind, quickly looking over to the figure lying in bed and away again.

He didn't want to keep seeing this.

They took to either side of the bed and sat there. Waiting.

They had got good at waiting for their friend to open her eyes.

/

Santana held onto Quinn, sobbing still as Puck and Finn followed the doctor down the hallway. The relief she felt when he told them Brittany was alive and would stay alive was unparalleled. She felt like screaming out and running to her bedside, but she knew that Finn and Puck needed a moment alone with her.

She thought back to everytime the blonde made her smile, or feel giddy. When she would visit the coffee shop and sit there with her hot chocolate, just watching Santana work. Or when she would hum along to a new track the Latina had recorded for her classes, declaring it the best thing she's ever heard before downloading it onto her phone.

Then she thought of the times she wished she could forget, but knew they were too important to. Being stood up by Brittany had stung her heart, she could feel her organ slowly cracking down the middle as she realised that the bartender would not be coming back any time soon.

She realised a while ago she was in love with the blonde. She knew she had to keep it to herself for now. Brittany and she weren't even really together, there was no way either of them were ready for such declarations. But she almost missed her chance completely tonight.

Drugs.

She was so hurt by the blonde. She had been lied to all along. She never knew how serious it was. She could have lost the girl tonight, never knowing why or how or when. She wanted to know everything, but she wanted to scream and cry as well.

None of this was fair.

She calmed slightly as she felt Quinn's hands rub her back up and down, soothing her into a lull.

Falling asleep to the soft humming of her best friend, as the love of her life lay in the other room.

/

Brittany coughed slightly as she cracked each eye open. She could hardly see anything, everything was a blurry mess. A white and black mess.

She tried remembering what had happened, but her brain couldn't register. She heard annoying beeping noises and turned her head as her eyes came into focus.

A hospital. How many times would she wake up in the hospital?

She looked over to the machines and came face to face with a distraught looking Puck.

Her breath got caught in her throat as she looked to the other side and saw the same distressing look plastered over Finn's features. He had vomit down his clothes.

She let out another cough as a tear slipped out. She had remembered. Remembered how she flew at Hunter's. How she needed something to help deal with everything that had been going on. Seeing Daisy's grave, how she and Santana were getting serious, the lies, the heartache.

She needed it all to stop. Just for a moment, she didn't want to die; she just didn't want to be in her situation.

She looked over at Puck again. He was silently crying, and she understood why. She had done this to him again, she said she wouldn't when he found her in that bathtub, but she had. This time, she had dragged Finn down as well.

She looked over at Finn and tried to reach out for him. He shook his head and got up, storming out of the room and slamming the door as he went.

She tried to keep the tears at bay, but she had never seen the boy loo so angry, and for it to be directed at her.

She looked over at Puck who sighed and wiped his eyes. "He just needs time. I don't even know where to start B."

Brittany took in his raspy voice as she reached for his hand, clinging on and sighing in relief as he held it tight.

"I know Puck." Her throat was dry and she croaked as she spoke.

He looked at her, anger and sadness welling in his eyes. "Do you? Do you get it Brittany? How you could find your friend in her own vomit, blue in the face with pill and drink bottles round her. Searching for a pulse and hoping you find one as you ride in the ambulance with her, listening to the doctors try to save her life. Calling all of her friends and family, telling them she might not make it. Holding onto your best friend whilst he sobs and shakes, trying to keep it together whilst you're slowly losing it yourself. Holding up a sobbing girl, who loves you a whole lot even though you don't deserve it, as she cries for you, not understanding what the fuck is going on because you weren't honest with her. Because you never are. You're never honest with anyone, including yourself."

Puck cried as he screamed out everything he had been bottling up. He couldn't hold it in any longer. He watched as Brittany wept as she listened to what he had to say.

"This is why! This is why, because I'm no good for anyone. I don't deserve anyone or anything; I just needed it all to stop."

Puck sighed and grabbed Brittany's hands away from her face so she could look at him. "You don't get it B. You do deserve it, you deserve it all. But not like this. I need you, Finn needs you, you're friends out there need you. Santana needs you, but you gotta be honest with yourself and everyone else now B. Sometimes, I need it all to stop too, but then I think of everything, I think of you and us and Quinn. That's how I get through it."

Brittany sniffled as she turned her body to her best friend, looking at him and finally realising he's been there all along. She sighed before uttering her discovery she had when she was lying on the floor.

"Puck, I need- I need help. I'm a drug addict."

Puck just nodded, before pecking the blonde's lips and hugging her tight.

"We're gonna do this baby B."

/

Santana woke up as hurried footsteps rushed passed her, followed by Rachel calling after the man who just passed. She watched as Finn angrily walked down the corridor, vomit still over him. She sighed and rubbed her head, looking to Quinn who had fallen asleep too. She checked the time and looked around the waiting room at Brittany's friends. She had so many people here, did they all know too? Could they have done something to help, or was the blonde passed that all.

She stood up as Puck came down the hallway, wiping away tears before walking over and lightly pressing his lips to Quinn's head. She smiled slightly at the gesture before turning to him.

"She's awake. She wants to see you." Puck spoke.

Santana widened her eyes. "I don't think I can. I mean- I don't know what to do."

Puck hugged her and squeezed her tight. "She just needs you right now, just hear her out. I get it you know, but I think you should go in."

She nodded before watching as Puck shifted his eyes over her shoulder. She turned and watched as a man and a woman came up to them. The woman had greying hair and wrinkles around her face, she looked immensely sad as her mouth was turned downwards, she cast her eyes around the room and looked back at Puck. The man, who had silvery blonde hair too, looked at Puck as his shoulders slumped and he dragged his feet slightly. There was an air of sadness about the two that made Santana want to shiver.

"Go on San, She's waiting." Puck nodded to her, as she turned and walked down the hallway, preparing herself for what was about to happen. She looked back as Puck started speaking to the pair, wondering who they could be.

She turned at the right door and opened it slowly, walking in and closing the door behind her.

/

Santana and Brittany had been sat in silence for thirty minutes. The only time there was any activity in the room was when the nurse came into check on the blonde.

Nobody had said anything and it was making Brittany squirm a little. She had opened her mouth numerous times, but couldn't find the words to say what needed to be said.

That was until Santana couldn't hold it in any longer. "You know, all I ever wanted when I met you was to be with you. I wanted you so bad, and when we started to hang out more, I felt more happiness than ever before. When you told me it wasn't something to worry about, that it wasn't a habit, I believed you. I trusted you of course because, why would you lie to me? When you stood me up, I wanted to crawl inside myself. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't get to see you, because I really wanted to see you and clearly you had something better to do. And here we are."

Brittany tried to not break down as Santana let tears roll down her cheeks. She wiped one away as she looked over the blonde.

"Santana," Brittany started, her voice was still hoarse after waking up, "I'm so sorry. I know, it doesn't mean much, but the fact that I have hurt you kills me inside. I wanted all that too, I want all that too. Just to be with you, exist with you. When I said that it wasn't a habit, I believed myself, because I ignored all the signs telling me different. I never wanted it to get this far, but I didn't want to think, or feel all these things; I wanted it all to stop. The only time I've been truly happy these past three years was when I was with you. I will never forgive myself for hurting you."

Santana watched as the blonde spoke. "So why do you? Britt, why do you keep hurting everyone around you, me, Finn, Puck, yourself? What is it all about? What is it that makes you keep doing it over and over?"

Brittany sighed before coming to the conclusion that she needs Santana to know. She wants to tell her, but she's so scared. She looks at the Latina and feels her heart hammering in her chest. "I had a family once. I had a sister once. But I killed her."

/

"So you came?" Puck walks up to the pair, taking in their haggard appearances.

"Yes, of course. We got your message and came as soon as we heard. I know Puck, that you must hate us, we hate ourselves too, for what we have done. We got so caught up in Dais-"the woman whimpered as her husband started to utter that name, "her death that we blinded ourselves. It's not an excuse and never will be, but we need to be here for Brittany. There's a reason you called Puck, there's a reason she's in that room and there's a reason we are here. We can never forgive ourselves, but we need to sort everything out."

Puck clenched his jaw as Graham spoke, Susan nodding next to him as she let some tears spill out. He had nothing to say to them right now, so he nodded and went and sat down next to Quinn, holding her close and listening to her heart as she slept.

Graham and Susan sat down by the group, holding each other's hands as Susan lent into her husband, sighing softly as he tightened his grip on her as the waited. Just like they had done three years ago.

/

The room had gone back to silent. Brittany had finished her retelling ten minutes ago. Leaving out no details including Hunter and what she would do for drugs, Daisy, her family and her suicide attempt. Santana had held her hand throughout but now she was fidgeting as she looked everywhere but the blonde.

Brittany sighed. "Santana, I'm going to get help. I can't live like this anymore, do this to the people I care about anymore."

"Who are you doing it for Brittany?" Santana asked. The first thing she had said since she had heard every detail.

"Myself. I'm doing it for me, but for you too, and for Puck and Finn. For my friends and for Daisy. For my parents. But yes, for me."

Santana nodded. She got up and moved her chair closer to Brittany. "I'm so hurt B. I'm hurt for what you had to go through, for what you put me through. For the things you have done and for the things that have happened to you. I'm hurt and angry for you but at you too."

Brittany nodded; she knew that she had cut too deep with the girl. She only had herself to blame.

"It's going to take a lot of time B. And hard work, but I'm in so deep with you. I can't be with you yet, but I know I can't be without you. You're going to get help; you're going to get better. I've seen who you are really Brittany, and I want her."

Brittany smiled slightly at the brunette who had just told her she wouldn't give up on her. "I want and need help San. I want to be better for myself and for you. I know it's going to be such a hard road, but knowing who I can be when I come out the other side, knowing you're there on the other side. I know that I can get through it."

Santana nodded, as she kissed Brittany very lightly on the lips. She just couldn't help herself. "I'll be there B. But only as a friend for now. We need to start over. It's not about us right now; it's about you getting better, okay."

Brittany nodded, entranced by the girl in front of her. "Okay."

* * *

**So, let me know what you think.**

**This story isn't even nearly done, it's going to be a long road ahead. And i just realised the brittana may be a little slow burn, even though they had sex like in the second chapter (which i totally forgot about!) but it is going to be so rewarding.**

**Some teasers to keep you on your toes for the many chapters ahead:**

**\- Quinn is going to play a big part in Brittany's recovery**

**\- There will be a wedding (not Brittana)**

**\- Rehab is going to kick Brittany's ass**

**\- Lopez family comes to town**

**\- Santana meets someone incredibly close to Brittany**

**Let me know if you have any ideas, queries or comments. **

**PEACE**


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the long wait, I hit a block but I'm back and even though this chapter is shorter, it has helped me get back into the swing. Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favourites. My other story Once upon a time in the west has been neglected too, but I will get around to writing the next chapter.**

* * *

_Santana sighed as she took her apron off, it had been a long day at the coffee shop and to top it all off, she had work to be handed in next week for her music project. She hadn't even started it. She locked up the shop and bid farewell to her co-worker. She stopped in her tracks and exhaled a breath when she saw her blonde standing in front of her, wearing a huge smile, one she couldn't help but match._

"_Hey San" Brittany whispered, as she strode up to the shorter girl and kissed her. _

_Santana tried to reach for Brittany's lips as she pulled away, which earned a chuckle from the bartender. "Britt, what are you doing here? I thought you had work tonight."_

_Brittany laced her fingers with Santana's and led them down the street. "Nope, I asked for the night off from Puck, I'm all yours tonight."_

"_Awesome." Santana grinned to herself._

_/_

"_Hey San." Santana looked up from her textbook at Quinn, who was reading her own textbook. They had been studying for the past hour in silence, until the blonde shattered that._

"_Yeah Q?" Santana took a skittle from the bowl on the table and chewed, waiting for Quinn to say whatever it was she wanted to say._

"_What's really going on with you and Brittany? I mean, it's been months since you've met, she's always round here, you go out places with her, you kiss, you cuddle. Are you two girlfriends?"_

_Santana balked. She had thought about all those things herself, but had yet to come up with an answer. Truth was, she had no idea either. Brittany and she acted like a couple, but neither had touched upon the subject. Santana had been too afraid to, seeing as the blonde needed time._

"_I don't know Quinn. I want to be, but I don't want to rush her, you know?"_

_Quinn nodded and was silent for a moment. "Just don't let her play you Santana."_

_Santana frowned. "She's not playing me!"_

_Quinn held her hands up. "Okay, okay. Just look out for you is all I'm saying. You're a catch S, anyone would be lucky to call you theirs."_

_Santana smiled at those words, she loved this girl. "Yeah, yeah, Lucy. Okay."_

/

Santana wiped a tear away as she left the hospital room. She felt like she was going to explode with emotion after Brittany had told her the full story. Her heart clenched as she imagined the pain the blonde must have been through for the last three years. Her sister, being blamed, her family abandonment. Her suicide attempt. Santana held down a sob that was threatening to be released. She couldn't help but picture the scene Puck must have walked in on. She never wanted Brittany to feel that way again.

She came to the waiting room, looking around at the friends that Brittany had here. Tina was leaning on Kurt's shoulder whilst Mercedes held her hand. Blaine was asleep across Rachel's lap, who was holding a bent over Finn. She looked towards Quinn, asleep and draped over Puck, who was staring into space. She smiled slightly at her friend. Brittany had all these people, yet the blonde had felt so alone.

She sighed and made her way over to Puck, who looked up at her as she did. She leaned over, brushing a few strands of hair out of Quinn's eyes. She exhaled a breath before looking back at Puck. "She told me."

Puck nodded, kissing Quinn on the forehead. Quinn stirred slightly and opened her eyes, looking around and up to the Latina.

"How is she?" Quinn asked, her throat dry and scratchy.

"At the moment, she's ok." Quinn frowned, confused by the statement.

"I'll tell you later, Q. I've got work today, I'll call in sick, but visiting hours are almost up and Brittany told us to go home and rest." Santana explained, looking towards the couple who had been staring at her for a while now.

Puck nodded as Quinn got up, stretching her limbs. The group of friends all started to rouse from their thoughts, hearing Santana explain the situation. Santana looked towards the older couple who were sitting near the group.

Santana clenched her jaw. "Can I help you?"

The couple looked startled, but stood up and closed the distance towards the brunette. The man cleared his throat. "No, we, er, Puck. He told us about you. About how happy you make Brittany, we just, thank you. For doing so." The man stumbled over his words as Santana frowned. Puck changed his stance, coming to stand in the middle of the two parties.

"And, you are?" Santana asked.

"Brittany's parents, Graham and Susan Pierce." The woman spoke, her manner meek and nervous.

Santana frowned, recalling the story Brittany had told her not that long ago. She narrowed her eyes as boiling hatred for the two people she had never met before, but had heard about, bubbled in her chest.

Puck saw the glint in Santana's eye, and as she opened her mouth and lunged for the pair, he grabbed her around the waist. Finn rushed over, and between them, managed to stop Santana from getting near the two. Mr and Mrs Pierce jumped as Graham held onto his wife, shielding her from the murderous woman.

"How dare you? How dare you? Who do you think you are, abandoning Brittany like that? How could you even think to do-" Santana choked as angry tears rolled down her cheeks.

Puck was struggling with the girl, so Quinn stood in front of her, blocking her view.

"S, calm down, okay. Not here. Okay?" Quinn spoke calmly at her friend, who was relaxing in Puck and Finn's arms.

Quinn turned to the pair, looked them up and down, and back towards Puck. "Look, I don't know you, I don't know what you've done, but maybe you should go for now. Visiting hours are almost over, just everybody go home and calm down, and when we can, come back and be here for Brittany."

Mr and Mrs Pierce nodded once, staring back at the Latina. Pain was evident in their eyes as they turned and left the waiting room. Everybody was silent for a moment before Finn let Santana go, grabbed Rachel's hand and left the room. After that, the friend's all filed out, some saying their goodbyes to Puck, others silently leaving.

Quinn wiped away a few tears making their way down Santana's cheeks. "Noah, please come home with us, I don't want you alone right now." She spoke softly as she looked from one distraught face to another.

/

Santana sat, staring at the beautiful woman in front of her. She never got much of a chance to just sit and stare at Brittany, especially as unguarded and neutral as she was right now. She looked at the golden strands haloing around her head, the pale, smooth skin, and her freckles. The only thing she wished she could see right now was those powerful blue eyes. The ones she fell for as soon as she saw them. Like a reversed Medusa, instead of turning to stone, she turned into a lovesick fool.

Brittany stirred slightly, cracking open her eyelids, and groaning slowly. Santana got up and stroked her arm, leaning over her and watching the woman before her rouse from her sleep.

"Hey" Brittany croaked as she layed eyes upon her love.

"Hey, how are you?" Santana couldn't help but ask, she needed to know that Brittany was ok at all times.

Brittany smiled slightly, "I'm fine, could you help me up?"

Santana helped Brittany get into a more comfortable position, moving pillows and making sure Brittany's back was supported.

"So…" Brittany trailed off.

"So…"

"The doctors said I need a few tests, but if they come back ok, then I can get out today."

Santana was surprised by the news. "So soon? You only just got here."

Brittany chuckled, as if this place was a vacation destination. "Well, I'm not a danger to myself, and I decided to detox at the rehabilitation centre, so there's no reason for me to be here."

"When do you go. To rehab, I mean." Santana was nervous, she wanted to get the ball rolling straight away, she also wanted to kidnap Brittany and take her to a deserted Island, living out their lives together alone.

"Well, the Doctor and Puck spoke, he's my next of kin, and Puck found a place. So he set it up for tonight. Apparently, he's been doing his research for a while." Brittany chuckled bitterly.

"Hey don't do that," Santana grabbed Brittany's wrist, "he cares about you. We all care about you. But God, tonight? It's so soon."

Brittany melted under Santana's gaze. "I know I'm sorry, thank you."

The two sat in silence for a while, gazing at each other and then around the room, but always coming back to the other. Santana cleared her throat.

"I don't know if Puck told you or not, I guess not because it only happened last night as we were leaving. And I'm first here today, he is coming though, don't think he isn't. He came home with us last night so I know he's coming."

"Santana, you're rambling, what's up?" Brittany smiled slightly as Santana's hands went into overdrive, fisting her t-shirt, running them through her hair. The girl was nervous.

"Last night, when we were ready to go home, Brittany, your parents were here. They introduced themselves to me."

Santana watched as Brittany froze, eyes glazing over as she stared into the wall in front of her. She waited for any movement, but Brittany was off in her head. She touched the blonde's arm, who startled and looked over to worried brown eyes.

"They were here?" She choked out.

Santana got up and hugged the girl as best she could. Feeling wetness coat her t-shirt. "Yeah B. Puck sent them home, I just wanted you to know, they could be back."

Brittany nodded and moved out of the embrace, letting Santana wipe away the few tears that had escaped her eyes and were now running down her cheeks.

"I haven't seen them in so long." Brittany sounded so scared, Santana wanted to wrap her away from all the evil in the world.

"I know B, but listen to me, I'm here okay? And Puck, Finn, Rachel, even Quinn. You have people on your side, ok?"

Brittany nodded and caressed Santana's hand with her thumb. "Santana, will you come with me and Puck and Finn to the centre? To drop me off." Brittany bit her lip, waiting for the rejection.

Santana sighed, "Yeah B, I'll be there when you go in, and I'll be there when you come out."

Brittany smiled widely as Santana, against her better judgement, leaned down and pecked the girl.

"This is going to be really hard B, but we can do it, you can do it."

Brittany nodded, and for the first time, believed she actually could.

/

Brittany fidgeted in her seat as the car Puck was driving wound down a country road, on the outskirts of the city. She had been discharged earlier, and had not seen her parents. She was disappointed in herself for getting her hopes up, only to be let down again. But she couldn't blame them, not really.

She looked over as Santana held her hand, to still her shaking. Finn and Puck sat in the front, with Puck driving to the facility he had been researching. He would be paying for her treatment, and it was just another thing to add onto her guilt ridden shoulders, though he had assured her the way to pay him back would be to get better.

Finn had hardly said anything to anyone and she couldn't get a read on him, which scared her more than anything.

She looked at her friends and a sense of gratefulness washed over her. She wasn't alone. She looked over to the beauty sat next to her. There weren't enough metaphors or poems written about the beauty in which Santana held. There were no words to explain how much Brittany worshipped this girl. She knew she had to get clean for herself, which she wanted to so bad, but she couldn't deny she was also doing it for these three people too. And for her other friends who had stuck by her, and for Daisy.

She knew she had strung Santana along a little, giving her next to nothing to work with. And it was another reason she hated herself, but she wanted to get better, so that she could finally call Santana hers. To hold her hand in the streets and introduce her as her girlfriend. To make love to her, something which they hadn't done yet, excluding the time they first met. But Brittany didn't count that, because she never adored the Latina like she should have. But she wouldn't make that same mistake again.

She bought the girl's hand to her mouth and kissed it softly, smiling as brown eyes met her. Both of them stared at each other, lost in the love they could feel radiating from one another, even though they both hadn't told each other yet.

They were startled out of their bubble by the closing of car doors, which they realised was Finn and Puck and that they had arrived.

Brittany took a deep breath.

"It's ok B, it's going to be ok." Santana whispered as she let go of her hand and got out too. Brittany following suit as she slid out of the car and looked up at the facility.

It was a large brick building, on a massive campus like area. Green garden surrounded them, and the place looked like a posh university.

Finn came up to the blonde and her his arm out, she smiled up at her best friend before looping her arm in his, taking Santana's hand in her other as the trio followed Puck up to the front steps, ready to admit herself.

/

Once the group had spoken to a counsellor, and Brittany had signed the papers, she had been shown her room, which had an en-suite bathroom. She hadn't had a bed to call her own for years, and it all felt a little strange. Her friends had been with her every step of the way and had stayed for dinner with her in the canteen.

But she had to say goodbye at some point and had shared a long, silent farewell with both Puck and Finn. No more words were needed between the two.

Santana came up to her last, as the boys made their way to the car. They embraced, Brittany inhaling Santana's scent, feeling her warmth and trying to commit it all to memory. She pulled back, arms still wrapped around the girl, and pecked her. Holding her lips to those plump ones she loved so much.

"I'm going to miss you B, but I'm so proud of you." Santana looked up at the blonde.

"I'm going to miss you too, I'm going to do this San." Santana nodded at the girl's words.

"I don't want to confuse this Brittany, I need this to work, so I'm not going to visit, because I want you to remember that you aren't doing this for me. But you can call, if you need me, you can call. I can't go without hearing your voice."

Brittany's heart broke, she needed Santana, but understood what the girl was trying to say, so she kept quiet and just nodded, thankful that she could speak to the girl at all.

"Okay, I should go. I'll see you soon B." Santana choked a sob slightly and turned to walk away, looking back over her shoulder to see Brittany waving at her. She laughed slightly through her tears at the childlike wave and hoped that she would see more of that Brittany soon.

Brittany put her hand down as she watched her friends drive away, before turning to walk back into the place she would be calling home for now.

* * *

**Some things that's going to be coming up:**

**\- A wedding**

**\- A reunion**

**\- A ****declaration**

**\- A struggle**

**Thanks for reading, let me know your thoughts**


	15. Chapter 15

The moonlight shone through the window, lighting the room around her up and highlighting the furniture. Her bed, her wardrobe, her desk. All was still outside, the grounds empty, no clouds in the sky. The stars were shining down, out in full force as she tried to count them. To identify constellations she had been reading about in her book.

Her therapist had told her that it was a good idea to take up a hobby of sorts. A hobby that didn't include getting shitfaced, fucking randomers or shooting up. She was good at those things, but she didn't think it would go down well here. So she decided to learn about astronomy. Reading about the origins and names of different constellations and stars.

She found it therapeutic. She also found it coincided with her insomnia. A new development since being detoxed.

Brittany sighed as she gazed out into the expansive campus. It had been three weeks since she had signed herself to this place. Three very long, very hard, painful weeks. She was surprised when she was told that the actual physical addiction wouldn't last that long. A week to be exact, to detox her body. To wean her body from the physical addiction.

It was the mental addiction that plagued her thoughts now. Moments like this, where she thought about everything and anything. Good and bad. Dark and Light. She was proud of herself for getting through that first week. The pain she went through, the vomiting, the begging and crying.

She adjusted her legs as she sat on the windowsill. She looked at the time, realising she had to be up in an hour for a full day. Breakfast, group therapy, yoga, lunch. Today was Sunday, visitation day. She smiled as she thought of Puck. He had come last Sunday, bringing news of what was happening. That was one of the hardest parts about being here; you were stuck in this shell of a world, whilst everything kept on spinning, kept on moving forward.

She had been integrated into group therapy and one on one counsel time when she had completed her first stage of detox. She didn't know if it was helping or not, her mind still came back to drugs a lot, still craved the buzz and the hits. It was like she came in here with a cloudy mind, and week by week, the haze was clearing. She could see past the fog slightly, but it was still blurred.

She sighed and got up, going over to her wardrobe to pick her outfit of the day. Sometimes, she felt as if that were the only thing she still had control over.

/

"So I said to him, I said!" The women shouted. Brittany winced at the volume and looked around the circle. It was coming to the end of group therapy and April, who whilst petite in frame, had a mouth as loud as Rachel, was telling one of her many stories related to when she was drunk. Brittany sometimes wondered if the woman was still drunk, especially when she started to sway in her seat.

"Thank you April, that will be all." The counselor, Richard Clark, said. Richard was nice enough, making sure Brittany had settle in ok. He was a hard-ass though, trying to get everything out of his patients, but then again, she wasn't here to make friends or anything.

Richard turned to Brittany; she knew it was her turn next, but didn't like the topic of their counselling this week – considering others. It just made her think of her friends, of Santana. And when she thought of Santana, the guilt and hatred of herself overwhelmed her. Rising from the pit of her stomach up her throat, spilling out as wails as she sobbed herself to sleep. Crying for the girl who she had hurt so deeply.

She thought of Puck and Finn, the conversation she had had with the former recently, one that broke her heart yet again.

_Puck sat down in the plastic chair, looking around the stark vitiation room at the rehab facility. It had been two weeks since Brittany had been checked in. She had gone through the detox phase, in which time he wasn't allowed to see her, but he had come last Sunday and now he was here again, peering at her, analysing her, seeing the changes and what was the same._

_He concluded that she did look a bit better, but still wasn't the Brittany he remembered. He had been doing that a lot recently. Remembering. Remembering everything about the blonde, from when they were kids to now. He sighed and smiled slightly as Brittany waved at him._

"_Hey Puck, thanks for coming to see me again." Brittany said, more shy than usual. She didn't really know where she stood with her best friend right now._

_Puck stroked her hand slightly, easing the girl a little. "Of course B, I said I would, you're not in this alone. In fact, I've been thinking, a lot. And I just need to say this…. I'm so sorry B. I feel at fault, Finn feels like he should be blamed. We let you down." _

_Brittany sat up, wide eyed at the confession. "What? No Puck, this is all me, don't you dare think for one second this was your fault."_

"_But B, we should've just done something sooner. And I mean we didn't exactly help, we all smoked weed together. We both slept with you. It hardly looks like we tried at all." Puck said, gazing away from the blonde as tears gathered in his eyes._

_Brittany sighed, and held onto her best friend's hand. "Puck. Look at me." Puck looked up and locked onto those blue eyes. "The weed was not a gateway to everything else. We smoked weed before all that, and we smoked it after. It didn't have any effect on what I did. And as for the sex, we were both drunk. And me and Finn were both drunk. And anyway, we slept together when we were like 18 as well. Puck you didn't fuel my behaviour in anyway. And you tell Finn that too."_

"_But-" Puck started._

"_No. No buts. Stop making this problem about anything other than me being selfish and tell me how it's going with Quinn. I only have thirty minutes and I want to hear if the royal lady has put out yet" Brittany grinned as Puck matched her smile, glad that they had cleared a roadblock on the way to getting back to normal._

"Brittany," Richard spoke. Brittany looked up, realising everyone was looking at her. "Would you care to share your experiences with others?"

Brittany exhaled a little. No she didn't. But she knew it wasn't really a question. She knew that to get better she had to play the game.

"I mean what do you want me to say? I fucked over my family, my friends, a girl. It's the same old story we've all just heard five times over Richard." Brittany said, crossing her arms and slouching in her chair.

"Okay, tell us about your friends, I know you've mentioned your brothers before."

Brittany looked at everyone staring back at her. "They're not my biological brothers, but they're the only family I have. They both tried to help me, but I didn't want help. I hate myself when I look back at all the shit they put up with from me. They both saved my life and I have yet to do anything for them. I feel like I've fucked up every relationship I have with the people in my life. So I think, what's the point?"

Richard licked his bottom lip, tilting his head slightly. "Well I think everybody can relate to those feelings. That's why you're here. And I know that they've been visiting you. Perhaps you don't realise this now, but everyone is still there."

Brittany scoffed as Richard turned to another patient. "Nothing is fucking sacred in this place." she whispered.

/

"Brittany, telephone!" A woman called Janet shouted out, pointing to the boxes as the nurse stood by them.

Brittany got up and made her way over to the booths, glad that it was her time to call someone. She had spoken to Puck already when he came to visit. Finn hadn't come yet, but she didn't blame him, she knew it was hard for him after what he had seen in the bathroom that night. She knew he just needed time, even though she missed him dearly. At least they had spoken on the phone briefly, along with Rachel, Kurt, Tina, Mike, Artie, Mercedes…all of them. Everyone had turned up at the apartment to get their two minutes in with their friend. It made her feel warm inside.

There was one person who she hadn't spoken to. She was terrified at the prospect that maybe Santana had realised she didn't want anything to do with this mess. She wanted to call earlier but she just didn't know how the girl would react. And now, now she couldn't wait any longer. She just had to speak to her, however brief it may be. She punched the number in waiting, her nerves buzzing as the phone rang.

"Hello?" Santana answered. Brittany let the sound wash over her. "Hello?" She said again. Brittany's eyes popped open and she stood up straight.

"Hey San, it's me."

"Brittany?" Santana asked in disbelief. "How are you? Oh god, I can't believe I'm hearing your voice finally."

"Oh I'm sorry San, I can go if-" Brittany started to explain, worried that she had made the wrong choice calling her.

"Don't be silly, of course I want to hear from you. I've missed you." Santana said shyly. "How is it there?"

Brittany sighed. She didn't know what to say. That she wanted to die the first week when her body was fighting against her. That she thought of her family every night. That she missed drugs and didn't feel like she was getting better.

"It's okay. It's hard, but I'm not giving up, no matter how much I want to. How are you?" Brittany said, and she meant it.

"Good. I'm glad. I'm really proud of you okay Brittany? And I'm good, college is kicking my ass, work is tiring, not too much really." Santana said, relaxing on the couch as she spoke to the girl.

"Thanks San. So I have a question I need to ask. And you can say no, but I think it would be good for us to do. Maybe. Maybe it's a terrible idea." Brittany rambled, nervous to reveal why she wanted to call the girl other than to hear her voice.

Santana chuckled nervously. "Britt! It's okay, just ask me."

"Well, my therapist said that it would be a good idea to bring in the people closest to me for a one on one session. I asked Puck and he said yes, and was planning on asking Finn, but I know he's not ready for anything like that yet. So, I was wondering if you would come." Brittany waited as silence descended over the phone. Brittany was about to tell to forget it when she replied.

"Sure B, I'll be there."

Brittany was surprised, but happy at the same time. She felt like this was a step in the right direction. She wanted everything out on the table, for them to start a fresh with honesty before they could progress any further.

"Thank you so much Santana. So tell me, how's the song writing coming along?" They spoke like that for the next thirty minutes, talking about their lives, what was happening in them, not mentioning the looming presence of rehab or drugs. For the first time in ages, Brittany felt completely normal.

/

"Hey San! Chinese or pizza?" Quinn shouts as she takes her shoes off. She's just come back from an early shift at the club and is craving some food.

"Already ordered Q, pizza it is." Santana says. She's on the couch, trying to get down the lyrics to a song she's been working on for her assessment.

"Good day Lopez?" Quinn asked as she put her feet up on the coffee table.

"Not too bad, I uh spoke to Brittany today." Santana replied, looking over the piece of paper in her hands.

Quinn sat up as her eyes bugged. "No way! Shit, what she say? Is she okay?"

"Yeah she's fine. We just spoke about random things. My days, my course. What rehab is like. She says it's hard but she's getting through. She also asked me to go to a private session with her and Puck. Finn was meant to go but apparently he isn't ready for it yet. I said yes." Santana whispered.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

Santana shrugged. "I don't know. Part of me wants to hear everything. Like I know it'll be tough but I feel like this could really help us. Another part of me wants to hide my face and never hear about anything to do with Brittany's past. But I'm going anyway."

Quinn held onto the girl as she ate her pizza slice with the other hand. "You'll be fine San. I'll make sure you are."

/

"So Brittany, lastly I wanted to identify some triggers that you feel like could be potentially dangerous." Dr Mackle said as she crossed her legs.

"Well, I mean I started taking the drugs to forget. So my memories don't help me." Brittany explained. She had been thoroughly exhausted by the week just gone. It was Tuesday now and she had her private meeting coming up on Friday. She wanted to prepare as best she could for it.

"That's a good start. Your memories are a trigger for you, so we have to learn how to cope with them in a safer way. What else?"

"Well, I took drugs at the club a lot, and it was so wild it kind of excused my behaviour. And Hunter, whenever he would text me it was like a siren calling." Brittany said,. Throwing her head back and trying to identify her behaviour.

"Yes Brittany. These are all very good things you're thinking of. What comes next is making sure to cut the negative out of your life, focus on the positives, on yourself and why you want to be here. You've done very well this past hour. I'll see you next time."

Brittany got up and nodded to her therapist. She walked back towards her room before she had to go down to the canteen. She had a routine that she followed now, it helped her focus. She thought of her triggers, just another thing she had to be wary of as she worked towards being better for the real world.

Being better for everyone, including herself.

* * *

**Trying to get back into this. Let me know your thoughts, ideas, anything you want to see, anything you like...**


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